Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Boys Are Back In Town!

To recap on the juice fast......

I lasted half a day and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Chewing is good. Never ever underestimate chewing.

Moving on....I'm still going strong on the weight watchers. It's coming off slowly but that's actually a good thing, I guess. Nevermind the fact that I'm impatient as all hell. The fact of the matter is the fucking bridesmaid dress fits so who the hell cares if my legs are tree trunks?!? I feel healthier and I still have boobs and that's all that matters.

Once more, moving on.....so to say that this past summer (and I can say "past" because even though it still feels like we live on the motherhumping sun, school is now in session;) was torture for me is putting it mildly. Depression and self-deprecation aside, I was without my boys for most of the summer and it about killed me. Save the "holy shit, I wish I had YOUR problems" jokes, please. No, you don't wish you were me so fuck off. Yes, having a weekend to myself to catch up with friends and clean and prep for the coming week is pretty awesome. Having weeks on end to oneself, completely alone and lacking any and all offspring love and affection BLOWS! I found myself craving the insanity from which I so often wished I could hide. Wish granted, idiot. Alone with my own thoughts.....no thanks.

Thank GOD the summer is over and my boys are back in town! I will never understand why I'm so much more productive when I have WAY too much going on but that's exactly how I work. I can think more clearly when they aren't constantly up my ass but I get more done when they are. I'm an enigma:).

So, since the lights of my life have returned home there are a couple of newly acquired gems of parental wisdom I would like to bestow upon you:
 1. If ever you have a friend who offers you a dead in the water computer, take it. Give it to your kids to take apart. HOURS of entertainment and the pieces can be turned into just about anything.

2. If you don't already have one, by a set of magnetized screw drivers. My life is 100% easier now and I can't tell you how cathartic it is to unscrew shit, especially old hard drives with 5 billion tiny screws. Seriously.

3. Every single time your 3 year old (or really any of your children) says "Momma, come sit and cuddle wif me on da couch".....fucking do it! I don't care if you are right in the middle of blogging or putting an end to world hunger. For Christ's sake, drop everything and go love on your child. Even if he is bugging the ever loving shit out of you. You'll be sorry if you miss that chance, trust me.

 Yes, it's blurry. It offends you? Buy me a camera or quit bitchin'.

4.  Never buy Sharpies. Man, those things are the definition of bittersweet. Crap! (See opening photo)

5.  On a diet and can't get rid of the urge to do a face plant in a cake every time your children are driving you bat shit crazy? Might I suggest SOBE Lifewater to take the edge off? Got a lil addiction going on....THANKS A LOT, SARA! Good GOD, it's so good and there's virtually nothing in it. Voodoo water, it is. Yummy freakazoid Voodoo water!