So, I get home from work yesterday to this email from Pinterest:

"Hi Holly,

 We recently removed one of your pins because it goes against our policies. The pin was from your board "curves, vintage and modern" and it originally came from http://d3oeu2l8qd7s1b.cloudfront.net/286939-1038966-7.jpg. Could you please remove any other pins like this from your account? We don’t allow things that are inappropriate for the general public, like sexually explicit pins, anywhere on Pinterest. We do allow works of art and educational pins, like you might see in a museum or classroom. Could you please delete any other pins that go against our policies?

Thanks for your help,
 Ben & The Pinterest Team"

Yeah.....This is the "sexually explicit" pin they removed:

Dear Team Ben (and person who obviously reported this pin),

1. This IS art.
2. I think it's safe to say this is something I WOULD see in a museum.
3. The female form in and of itself is not inappropriate. It is beautiful and elegant.
4. 99% of what I have on Pinterest boards are repinned directly from Pinterest so no, I will not take anything down. You don't like it? You take it down.
5. Thank you and fuck off. 


Sincerely,
Team Alice


Well, I know I feel better:)

I can't resist pictures of children expressing extreme joy. These three are my favorites. When I'm being stupid and down I look at these and all is better.

Dogs scare the hell out of me but she looks so tickled!

I'm choosing to believe this is a joy moment and not a terrified and scarred for life moment. 

The roller skates and those knees!

In other words, I think too much.

There's this lovely thing called the mean girl syndrome....or I guess you could call it an effect or an illness or a phenomenon. Whatever you call it it seems to repeat generation to generation. It's very interesting to me. I say "interesting" because I've fallen prey to the "mean girls" all throughout my life and although my first reaction is to curl up into the fetal position and cry until my head bursts, the very next inclination I have is one of pity and wonder. Being a magnet for evil doesn't mean I have to let it beat me down. So, why not turn it around and approach it from a scientist's perspective? As a truly great teacher at my school says to his students "Don't get furious, get curious". I love that.

No need to go into what happened and who said what. That part is my burden. Running over and over every situation in my mind to try and determine the root of why someone doesn't particularly care for me to the point of exhaustion is one of my many super powers. Sounds torturous but after days of doing this somehow I eventually find peace and move on. Flooding;)

What it all boils down to..."determining the root of why". Why are these women the way they are? Why is it so important to tear someone down in order to feel awesome about themselves? There are so many different ways to go about feeling awesome without hurting another human being. Also, why are these people so many times characterized as being "leaders"? "Well, she's bossy now but I believe when she's an adult she will be a leader!!!" OK. How about telling that "bossy" girlchild that being a good leader.....fuck, being a good person doesn't involved manipulation? How about explaining to that future leader the concept of integrity and humility and empathy? Or we can simplify it if that's too difficult. How about laying out for them what's right and what's wrong? I'd venture to guess that these adult mean girls didn't have that someone in their lives to spell out any of those concepts and that's where my pity comes in.

A dear friend's daughter recently participated in something called an Instagram Beauty Contest, completely inadvertently, of course. It seemed harmless enough to her. You post pictures of your friends and people vote for the ones that are the prettiest. Each time they vote someone gets eliminated. The person left standing is considered the prettiest. She's way too young to understand the ramifications of this crazy ass game and honestly if I hadn't seen a news report the night before I never would have thought anything of it. It isn't like they were outright calling girls ugly.....but the implication was certainly there. So, being the awesome Momma that she is, my friend explained to her daughter how this game was wrong. On her own volition, her daughter immediately took down the contest.

I think that intervention....that clarification of what's right and what's wrong.....wasn't provided for the adult mean girls in my situation. In fact, calling them "mean girls" isn't right. They aren't mean. They're incomplete. Maybe they weren't taught to be curious enough....to find out why people are different from them.....to celebrate differences and instead of highlighting people's weaknesses, celebrate their strengths. Embrace what each person can bring to the table....don't chip away at what's broken. If you can't get past the broken parts, then for god's sake help them repair what's broken. That's what I would want. That's what I DO want. You see a part of me you don't like.....a part you consider unrefined and broken??? By all means, give me some help to try and build that part up. If it's going to make me a better person....a better Momma...a better teacher...I want what you have to offer.

Seek to think deeper. The curiouser you are, the more easily attainable empathy becomes.

God bless my dear sweet friends for trying to help me out of the summer blues by inviting me to block parties and various other anxiety inducing social functions. I can't help but feeling like this pup in those situations, though.

I adore the look on his face. So can relate.

Cabbage Soup Detox Diary- Day 4-7 (see Day 1-3 in the previous post)

Day 4: BANANAS AND MILK!!! (thank god I love bananas)
For breakfast I made a banana, skim milk, and yogurt smoothie. It was the most sugar I've had in 3 days and my heart was beating out of my chest! Maybe shoulda not put in the yogurt:/. For my main food all day I had the throw up soup.....oddly it tasted really good after all that sugar...so I'm not gonna call it that anymore, I guess. The awesome thing about this day is I could go visit a friend and drink coffee with almond milk and eat bananas for hours. I'm a creature of habit and two situations are synonymous with munching...visiting with friends and watching a movie.

Challenge: I get the summer blues (and yes, that is a real thing.....thankyouveryfuckingmuch, "therapists"). Today I was down and I think it had something to do with the sugar aspect. If you have a sensitivity to sugar I suggest skipping the yogurt and maybe limiting yourself to 5 bananas. Spread it out by making a big batch of banana smoothies (skim milk, ice, bananas, titch of water mixed with sugar substitute) and sip on that all day. Eat a ton of the cabbage soup to give you the chewing satisfaction.

Day 5: PROTEIN AND TOMATOES!!! (changed the cabbage soup a bit today by adding chilies and veggie stock instead of chicken stock.....spicy;)

Actually, either I've turned into a pod person or this soup is growing on me...looking a little less throw uppey.

Oh how I've been looking forward to this one! I love grilled chicken! My plan was to grill up some chicken and maters and eat chicken all fucking day. Fired up the grill, put the chicken on, came back to flip them and what do ya know?....raw bird. Completely out of gas:(. For lunch I had to eat tuna from the pouch rather quickly as the cats circled me menacingly. For dinner, though, I added ground beef to the cabbage soup and I SWEAR it tasted like spaghetti!!! Of course, at this point I might be a tad delusional.

Challenge: Honestly, I wasn't all that challenged today. My blues are better (sugar really is the devil's doing) and I wasn't even tempted by the pancakes I made the boys for dinner....and I make some pretty rad pancakes.

DAY 6: PROTEIN AND VEGGIES (notice no exclamation marks)
I had dental work today and had some....other personal issues came up so this day was difficult. Basically I did the same thing I did yesterday only with SURPRISE asparagus. Still, I took the boys to get ice cream and I wasn't tempted:). One more day to go.

Day 7: Fruit, Veggies, and Juices!!! (welcome back, my beloved watermelon)
Breakfast was frozen dark cherries, warmed in the microwave for a minute and cranberry juice. Lunch: see "challenge" below. Dinner: cabbage soup, veggie burger, frozen cherries. And I wasn't even hungry during the hungry hours (7-10). BOOM!

Challenge: I had a teacher training to go to today and everyone knows that bowls of miniature candy on every fucking table go hand in hand with teacher trainings. A little relocation of the mini chocolate sirens and I was perfectly fine....until the guy that sat next to me relocated them back to my side and continued to munch on them all day. Asshole. No really, he was nice. His chocolate breath blowing on me every time he spoke was something I could have done without but whatever. Another challenge-lunch! I forgot that I had given my son the house key when I dropped him with his Grandma this morning. When I arrived at my house on lunch break I was ready to eat my weight in cabbage soup. Yep. Didn't even occur to me that I couldn't get it the damn house. I ran to the store and bought some fruit cups to eat at the afternoon training......of course I forgot the fact that I would need some kind of utensil with which to eat the fruit. Not a good memory day.

Overall Result: 
Never been a fan of scales so I have no idea how much weight I lost but since that wasn't the point from the get go I'm not heart broken. In general, I feel great! Also, the size 10 bathing suit I bought before I did the detox is now too big, so THERE! I'm a little trepidatious about what's going to happen from now on. So, I decided to do the Jillian Michael's detox tea for the next week (because it's a good detox tea and because she's my gay role model). I'm going to try to eat like a normal person and drink the tea at the same time. The idea of making my body healthy is even more appealing now that I know how easy it can be. Really, this week hasn't been all that difficult. I never starved (except for maybe on the all veggie day) and I never got bored with it. "Very doable" is my official stance on the cabbage soup detox. Thumbs up!!!

Cabbage Soup Detox Diary

So I'm always the last to know about all these diet fads and I'm sure there are a million reasons why NOT to do the cabbage diet but I say "fuck it". My biggest concern at this point is the amount of grossness that I put in my body. The cabbage diet is supposed to be a good safe detox from all the sugar, carbs, and general nastiness we put in our bellies. The juice diet didn't do it for me because I needed to chew something. Well, I will definitely get to chew on this one. Chewing's awesome:D. I researched a lot of different blogs with the recipe and description of each day. The Divas Can Cook one wasn't stupid so I'm going with that one. So here we go!


Day 1: FRUIT DAY! (sweet sweet watermelon....oh and puke in a bowl)

Warning! Do NOT eat with your eyes!

Cabbage soup- not bad for a half a day....after the hungers set in I was practically eating watermelon and droopy cabbage with my hands. I'm not hungry but the sugar that's seeping out of my body is trying to find something to make it hush.

Challenge: The 4 year old has been having asthma attack after asthma attack all fucking day. Every time I hear him cough I want to run to the pantry and lick the nutella jar clean (since I cleaned all the naughty stuff out, nutella is the naughtiest thing I have around). Not being able to help him makes me so crazy cakes!

Day 2: VEGGIE DAY! (ew)

"Prewashed and Ready to Eat Steam in the Bag Stinky Pee Asparagus", I love you!

A lot easier even though it's veggie day. I had a steamed and mashed potato for breakfast....then asparagus all day long (you can eat as much veggies as you want today but asparagus are the only veggie I don't hate). I got sick of the cabbage today but the broth is still yummy.

Challenge: I had a friend over tonight night and it was hard to not want the yummy drink he was having!!! I'm a sucker for sweet adult beverages:(. BUT I stayed strong!!! GO ME!

Day 3: VEGGIE AND FRUIT DAY!

Looks like I slaughtered a fuckin' gremlin and ate it with the pink shit that came out of the Poltergeist hole. Appetizing.

My boys are gone and the only thing prying me out of bed this morning was the thought of that giant beautiful watermelon on the fridge;)Not supposed to eat a potato today but I found this day to be difficult so I cheated and mixed in a little veggie patty with my cabbage. I also had all the fruit and veggies I can handle.

Challenge: After calculating my budget for the summer I realized I can only spend about $130 a week (and that's pushing it). My boys eat on an average $150 worth of food a week. Plus, I wanted to take them on a trip at the end of the summer so knock off another $50 a week to save for that trip. Plus, my friend is getting married so I will need to save for THAT trip....another $10 a week to save. Oy.
1. Calculating how much money we eat a week makes me hungry.
2. Wedding cake=hungry.
3. Beach Trip=thoughts of banana dacharies=HUNGRY!
4. Broken period button on the keyboard that I have to press down on with with strength of a a motherfucking elephant every time I use it=SOFUCKINGHUNGRY!!!

Thoughts on Day 1-3: I don't weigh myself so as far as being able to lose 10 pounds on this I wouldn't be the one to ask. BUT I do have a lot more energy and I haven't had a candy bar in 3 days!!! I think this is a good start to a "diet" or just to eating better. Tomorrow begins bananapalooza and I'm quite excited about that because I LOVE bananas!!!

Summer Brain

The awesome thing about being on a different schedule than 50% of my offspring is it further adds to my inability to get my shit together when I'm off my routine. 

SCHOOL'S OUT! Carefree livin', baby! No responsibilities.....don't gotta be anywhere at any particular time....I am FREE!!!....SHIT! The middle dudes still have 2 more weeks of school!!!


No problem. I can just roll out of bed at 10 till 8 and run them to school, right? Yeah, that's cool. No need (or time) to slap on a bra. Just throw on an ultra unflattering tube top dress and GO! I'm coming right back home, for Pete's sake.....right????? ......

5 minutes to get out the door and the 4 year old has an asthma attack...the 9 year old decides to rub nutella all over the 7 year old because....who the fuck remembers why...the 12 year old won't stop texting me FROM HIS ROOM...

Getting everyone dressed and in the car was a blur. I think I blacked out at one point. Of course, I didn't even notice the flatter than flat tire:/

So, I get almost to the boys' school before some nice little lady in a dually truck gives me the wide eyed over the top mime for "YOU HAVE A FLAT TIRE!!!!" I replied with a mimed "FUCK MY LIFE AND THANK YOU!!!" I was super close to school and I didn't hear any metal griding so I pressed on and crossed my fingers. After dropping off tweedle dee and tweedle oblivious I did begin to hear grinding so I pulled over and called my buds at AAA. Cue the 4 year old. He adores phone call time. Smart little booger that he is, he positioned himself in the very back of the van (outside of spanking reach) before he began with his glorious hyena screams and jackassery "fun". 

AAA Lady: Can you verify your address?

Me: ....shit...well, I've moved like 4 times in the past 3 years sooooo is it the PO Box?

AAA Lady: I'm not seeing a PO Box.

Me: HONEY, I CAN'T HELP YOU! I HAVE A CUP! DO YOU WANT TO POOP IN A CUP?

AAA Lady: I'm sorry?

Me: Sorry!!!...uh....is it the one ooooooooon...Futrall??? Fal...core???? (Good one, genius. That's the luck dragon on The Neverending Story).

AAA Lady: I have one on Falcon.

Me: THAT'S IT! ........CLOSE THE UMBRELLA NOW!!!!

Sweet Jesus.

So, the AAA man came and couldn't have been nicer. Of course, the whole time we were talking I was thinking "I saw your hiney. I saw your hiney. I don't have a bra on and I saw your hiney". While he changed my tire he explained how the screw that was in my tire had to have been PUT there on purpose. Then he asked if I had any enemies. That's always a fun joke. I was running through all the possible suspects (whatever, everyone loves me.....heh) when my Dad showed up to whisk my 4 year old off to the nearest toilet (we'll save the cup for another day....thankfuckingGOD). Before he left, my 4 year old had to ask the AAA man if he was a man or a woman. That's his favorite question. Harmless enough question....except when we encounter an extremely feminine man or a masculine woman. In this situation we were ok but later in the day we were not so lucky. But that's a story for another time. 

Today's lessons: 
1. It takes a millisecond to get a fucking bra on, so do it.
2. I need a bucket for the van.
3....I tried to think of a third but really 1 and 2 are probably the most crucial life skill lessons I got out of today.

The Calm Because of the Storm

Most of the time when I write an entry I do the writing and then I hunt for images to amp up the writing. This time I've been inspired to create an entry around an image. Tornadoes and scary storms abound during our Springtime months. To most people this is terrifying, as it should be. Driving in the rain freaks me the fuck out, I'm the first to admit that. However, I have to say sitting in the dark on my couch and listening to an Earth shaking storm is one of my favorite things to do. I hope I don't sound disrespectful to those who have lost their families and/or homes in a tornado. Of course, I feel for them and would never wish that on anyone. Having said that, there is a level of respect I have for the storm itself. The power and intensity calms me. Seems like that would have the opposite effect on me but it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I have a strong will to survive but when it comes to competition...hell no. There's no competing with mother nature. Strip away competition and ego and there you have awe.

The woman in the photograph seems to be celebrating the storm. This is something I would most certainly do during a summer storm if I didn't think my neighbors would call the popo and have me committed. When I was younger I would gladly play in the rain for hours. The first time I ran a mile it was pouring, lightening and thunder all around me. I feel invigorated when it storms....clean, new, energized...I feel almost like it wouldn't surprise or upset me if the storm itself scooped me up and swallowed me. Of course, if that really happened it wouldn't be near as elegant and loving as I imagine. It would be terrifying. But if I had to choose....be paralyzed with fear so much so that it kept me from experiencing something so inherently beautiful....or embrace the beauty within the monster and appreciate its power???? If I had the choice, then I choose the celebration.

These storms are all around us. Our lives are inundated with storms. Heartbreak, failure, vulnerability, illness...they are all storms. But within each one of these storms there is always at least a sliver of celebration to be had. If we look hard enough we can see why we should appreciate the significance of these storms. I feel anger. I feel sorrow and doubt and disgust and confusion and outright rage. But shortly after the onset of these reactions to my storms that celebratory instinct eases in and I begin to feel that strange sense of awe. I might not be able to explain it but I can sure as hell appreciate it. It even has a name- to some it's faith, to me it's hope.

I know a lot of people who cannot move past the initial reactions to their storms and I feel for them. The emotions that go along with storms in nature as well as metaphorical storms in one's life can be crippling. To those people I wish I could give a little piece of that part of me that is comforted by the storms. I really do. I wish they could see what I see and feel what I feel. Peace, serenity, abandon, and adoration. Sliver of sun. Sliver of hope.