Thursday, January 9, 2014

Wanted: Coffee Slaves Able to Make Grumpy Cat Latte Art

   
When I was little I was required to bring my parents coffee in the mornings to wake them up. I didn't have to make it or anything, it was set on a timer to go off by itself. Still, I felt like a slave. Such injustice to make a child haul two cups of boiling hot coffee across the house to her lazy ass parents. That's the way I saw it. That's how I felt...then...when I was little. Now that I'm a parent I'm thinking my parents were fucking geniuses. Of course, I would never ask my children to bring me coffee to my bedside every morning. Not because it's wrong...but because I don't trust them to not fuck it up. They love to fuck up a chore on purpose so that they don't have to do it anymore. I'm not really willing to risk ending up with scalding hot coffee all over my face. "Ooops, Mom, sorry! Butterfingers!" It's a lovely dream, though. Waking up to coffee...better yet, a skinny vanilla latte being placed in my greedy, spoiled little hands. Instead I get to wake up to one child shoving a brownie in my face for me to open for him and another child pooping in my bathroom. No idea what the other two are doing. Probably drinking all my damn coffee. Good morning, motherfucking snow day three.

Monday, January 6, 2014

     Well, well. What do ya know. A motherfucking snow day. Super. At home with 4 children and what shall I do in between laundry, dishes, cooking (brilliant idea to NOT go to the store before the God Damn snow storm, by the way), and Pinteresting? I shall knit, of course:D. Beyond pleased and proud of my lazy ass for braving the cold to purchase new yarn (yes, I remembered to go to the yarn shop but not the grocery store...two degrees and a masters). Double proud of the fact that I actually made a yarn choice. I suck at making choices. Anytime I go shopping I put 50-100% of everything I've acquired in the basket back before getting to the checkout.



I suggest you do as I do and ignore
that pile of laundry in the background.
     Mind you, I haven't knitted in quite some time so I was anxious to turn out the knitting bag to see what I could find. An interesting array of yarn remnants from projects of old. Brought back a lot of memories of a time when I didn't shake like a fucking leaf. I've never been particularly good at knitting (even worse at crocheting) but I enjoy the repetition. Clears my head immediately. Anyway, aside from the bits of yarn, I found a whopping ONE set of knitting needles and ONE crochet needle. I used to have at least 6 different sizes of each. Where they go????? Give ya a hint- lightsabers:/

     Luckily the one and only set of knitting needles I have are the exact size I need for my new beautiful, wool, multicolor yarn:). As usual (because I am too chicken shit to try the hard stuff) I have decided to go with a scarf...or maybe an eternity scarf. This time, however, I am going to try alternating the knitting stitch with the purl stitch. Of course, when I went to cast on SURPRISE...no recollection of how to cast on. Hello, youtube. I have a collection of youtube videos for just this kind of memory emergency because this isn't the first time this has happened. I forget shit all the time. If I didn't shower and brush my teeth every single day I would probably have to refer to a youtube video for that, as well. Poor stupid me.

     I am quite fond of these Howcast videos with the lovely lady in green. Huge crush on her. Ordinarily I don't go for the skinny ones but her expressions kill me. Super cute. For your viewing pleasure here are the videos for making a slip knot, casting on, and knitting stitch...

Slip Knot
Casting On
How to Knit the Knit Stitch


     Dang it, she's so adorable! She makes it look as easy as it is...and trust me, it's easy. If I can do it, anyone can. I am a huge fan of learning how to do shit from youtube videos. Can't follow written directions to save my life but give me a video that I can pause after each step and I can learn to do just about anything...especially with Little Miss Green Dress' guidance;)

Modest beginning. I should have cast on less stitches to begin with but I have
difficulty thinking small. Note the yarn predator lurking in the beyond. I did offer
the cat children a ball of yarn but they prefer the yarn that is off limits.
Little shitheads.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

    

A highly intelligent lady once confided in me how she was able to pull herself out of a major life overhaul that lead her to be flat ass broke and in dire straits. She said the single most crucial move she made was to simply make a list. Her list consisted of very basic necessities...job, house, security. Today that lady has everything she could want or need. I took her advice, made myself a list consisting of one thing- "get a job", and low and behold I got myself a job. Now I need to think outside the job. I need to expand the list. Not because I want more shit, mind you. Accumulating stuff makes my skin crawl. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have claustrophobia. Being in small or cramped spaces doesn't freak me out...unless the items in the space keep moving around. My boys make sure every item in every space of every room never...stays...put. That's one of their purposes in life- to make sure that I am always putting things back where they go. The more stuff we acquire, the more I have to put back. So, when I say I want to add to the list...I ain't talking about more crap to fill my house. You could argue that there is one item on my list that comes close to being a want but trust me, it is definitely a need...and OK kind of a want. So, I suppose this is my New Year's Resolution type list...only I don't expect to attain all of these goals within this year.

1. Knit More- This year I got a whopping one teacher present that wasn't candy and it was a good one! Gift certificate to a yarn shop. My tremor makes it impossible to knit but the repetition calms me. I need more shit that calms me. Knitting it is.

2. Learn Math- pretty vague and all encompassing....that's because I need to be better in all areas of Math. No one wants a Math teacher that's a big fucking dumb dumb.

3. Blog- Notice I didn't write "Blog More". That's because I don't blog at all these days. I've written a ton of entries that I haven't published. For some reason I've always felt like I had to polish every entry before I publish it. I'm not writing a fucking novel nor do I have any sponsors so who the fuck cares? Typing is so much easier for me (again, because of the tremor) and it's important for me to reflect on whatever. So, I need to write more. Not writing that's poetic and shit. Just writing. Just to get it out of my head. Incomplete sentences and all;)

4. Buy and USE a God Damn Planner- I have four children. It it ridiculous that I do not utilize a freaking planner to keep all our shit straight. I have a bit of a disorganization issue, I'll admit. That extends to my scheduling abilities. Many a missed appointments. I rock the dry erase wall calendar. Fill that baby up with appointments and play dates and performances and birthdays...then I never look at it once...or the 5 year old erases the entire thing (true story...he was beaming with such pride I couldn't be mad at him).

5. Save for a House- When I got divorced I dreamed big pretty daydreams about how awesome it was going to be to not own a house anymore. No responsibilities. No headaches. If shit breaks, ya just call the landlord. Well, real life didn't turn out to be quite that pretty of a picture. It's actually rather humiliating to have your landlord walk through, what you believed to be, your house as if you're a trespassing slob. We need to not feel that way in our home. No one needs to feel that way...ever. All I want is a simple little house. Nothing fancy...something small, comfy, no granite shit, no stainless steel...just enough room for me and the boys to be happy. Saving money will prove to be tricky since we spend every last dime of my salary every month. Some months we are in the hole. It's possible I will need to get a weekend job. If that's what needs to happen, then that's what I will do. I thought getting a job would be impossible. It wasn't. I thought being financially independent would be impossible. It isn't. I need a house. I want a home. Not gonna happen in one year but I WILL begin saving now, one way or another.

So, there. Not a lengthy unattainable set of goals, really. I accomplished one thing from the list simply by writing this entry. Fuckin' A. Happy New Year.