Potty Humor

Yep, do dumb shit and you're gonna get your picture made.

This is what I don't understand- what IN THE NAME OF GOD is the deal with my children and bathrooms? When they get sick they are super pathetic but do they take preventative actions so they don't get sick? Oh HELL no. I honestly do not remember wanting to spend a whole lot of time in the bathroom when I was little.  My boys treat the bathroom like it's fucking Disney World. Here are my rules for the potty room....the rules I created based on personal experience because my children have absolutely NO common sense, which I suppose is somehow my fault but whatever...

1. Never eat a waffle while going poop. In fact, how about we just not even take the fucking waffle into the bathroom. That would be super. My 8 year old once asked me to serve him fried chicken whilst he did his business. Yeaaaaaaah, no.

2. When we go into a public restroom and I say in my bestest preschool teacher voice "Ok boys, pretend you're glued to the wall and let's play the quiet game" that does not mean "Boys, I now want you to scream as loud as you possibly can and somehow end up touching the toilet seat". How does this happen? I can kind of understand the screaming thing because I sometimes find it hard not to belt out a good Adele tune in the echo-friendly bathroom but the inching (and sometimes full throttle running) toward the toilet????? IT NEEDS TO END!

3. This one is a life lesson for us all......training potties are generally smaller coming off of your head than going on. Probably best just to not put them over your head at all.

4. Please do not come into Mommy's bathroom, pilfer through her drawers, pull out tiny fingernail scissors and say "Mommy, can I give you a haircut?". You're giving me nightmares here, pal.

5. Now this one is super important, K? Listen carefully. Are you ready? Please......don't.....put legos....in the toilet......AFTER YOU POOP! I know. I'm blowing your mind. It's a crazy ass rule but hey, I'm a crazy ass Mom. Oh and also if you wouldn't mind please do not poop in a toilet your Brother just pooped and put a lego in while I am frantically searching for something with which to retrieve said poopy lego. Seriously, you guys are killing me.

I'm sure I'm leaving out millions more rules but I don't have time to write them as I now must go clean toothpaste off of the ceiling. How? Not sure. But I AM sure there will be 1-4 small children rallied around me dunking toy boats in the toilet, eating a 4 course meal, using maxi pads as weapons or bedazzling a training potty. Guess what, though? I can say all this with a smile because I NO LONGER HAVE TO CHANGE DIAPERS!!!!! Ha! Heeheehahahaheehee...oh yeah, oh fuck yeah!