Summer Brain

The awesome thing about being on a different schedule than 50% of my offspring is it further adds to my inability to get my shit together when I'm off my routine. 

SCHOOL'S OUT! Carefree livin', baby! No responsibilities.....don't gotta be anywhere at any particular time....I am FREE!!!....SHIT! The middle dudes still have 2 more weeks of school!!!


No problem. I can just roll out of bed at 10 till 8 and run them to school, right? Yeah, that's cool. No need (or time) to slap on a bra. Just throw on an ultra unflattering tube top dress and GO! I'm coming right back home, for Pete's sake.....right????? ......

5 minutes to get out the door and the 4 year old has an asthma attack...the 9 year old decides to rub nutella all over the 7 year old because....who the fuck remembers why...the 12 year old won't stop texting me FROM HIS ROOM...

Getting everyone dressed and in the car was a blur. I think I blacked out at one point. Of course, I didn't even notice the flatter than flat tire:/

So, I get almost to the boys' school before some nice little lady in a dually truck gives me the wide eyed over the top mime for "YOU HAVE A FLAT TIRE!!!!" I replied with a mimed "FUCK MY LIFE AND THANK YOU!!!" I was super close to school and I didn't hear any metal griding so I pressed on and crossed my fingers. After dropping off tweedle dee and tweedle oblivious I did begin to hear grinding so I pulled over and called my buds at AAA. Cue the 4 year old. He adores phone call time. Smart little booger that he is, he positioned himself in the very back of the van (outside of spanking reach) before he began with his glorious hyena screams and jackassery "fun". 

AAA Lady: Can you verify your address?

Me: ....shit...well, I've moved like 4 times in the past 3 years sooooo is it the PO Box?

AAA Lady: I'm not seeing a PO Box.

Me: HONEY, I CAN'T HELP YOU! I HAVE A CUP! DO YOU WANT TO POOP IN A CUP?

AAA Lady: I'm sorry?

Me: Sorry!!!...uh....is it the one ooooooooon...Futrall??? Fal...core???? (Good one, genius. That's the luck dragon on The Neverending Story).

AAA Lady: I have one on Falcon.

Me: THAT'S IT! ........CLOSE THE UMBRELLA NOW!!!!

Sweet Jesus.

So, the AAA man came and couldn't have been nicer. Of course, the whole time we were talking I was thinking "I saw your hiney. I saw your hiney. I don't have a bra on and I saw your hiney". While he changed my tire he explained how the screw that was in my tire had to have been PUT there on purpose. Then he asked if I had any enemies. That's always a fun joke. I was running through all the possible suspects (whatever, everyone loves me.....heh) when my Dad showed up to whisk my 4 year old off to the nearest toilet (we'll save the cup for another day....thankfuckingGOD). Before he left, my 4 year old had to ask the AAA man if he was a man or a woman. That's his favorite question. Harmless enough question....except when we encounter an extremely feminine man or a masculine woman. In this situation we were ok but later in the day we were not so lucky. But that's a story for another time. 

Today's lessons: 
1. It takes a millisecond to get a fucking bra on, so do it.
2. I need a bucket for the van.
3....I tried to think of a third but really 1 and 2 are probably the most crucial life skill lessons I got out of today.

The Calm Because of the Storm

Most of the time when I write an entry I do the writing and then I hunt for images to amp up the writing. This time I've been inspired to create an entry around an image. Tornadoes and scary storms abound during our Springtime months. To most people this is terrifying, as it should be. Driving in the rain freaks me the fuck out, I'm the first to admit that. However, I have to say sitting in the dark on my couch and listening to an Earth shaking storm is one of my favorite things to do. I hope I don't sound disrespectful to those who have lost their families and/or homes in a tornado. Of course, I feel for them and would never wish that on anyone. Having said that, there is a level of respect I have for the storm itself. The power and intensity calms me. Seems like that would have the opposite effect on me but it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I have a strong will to survive but when it comes to competition...hell no. There's no competing with mother nature. Strip away competition and ego and there you have awe.

The woman in the photograph seems to be celebrating the storm. This is something I would most certainly do during a summer storm if I didn't think my neighbors would call the popo and have me committed. When I was younger I would gladly play in the rain for hours. The first time I ran a mile it was pouring, lightening and thunder all around me. I feel invigorated when it storms....clean, new, energized...I feel almost like it wouldn't surprise or upset me if the storm itself scooped me up and swallowed me. Of course, if that really happened it wouldn't be near as elegant and loving as I imagine. It would be terrifying. But if I had to choose....be paralyzed with fear so much so that it kept me from experiencing something so inherently beautiful....or embrace the beauty within the monster and appreciate its power???? If I had the choice, then I choose the celebration.

These storms are all around us. Our lives are inundated with storms. Heartbreak, failure, vulnerability, illness...they are all storms. But within each one of these storms there is always at least a sliver of celebration to be had. If we look hard enough we can see why we should appreciate the significance of these storms. I feel anger. I feel sorrow and doubt and disgust and confusion and outright rage. But shortly after the onset of these reactions to my storms that celebratory instinct eases in and I begin to feel that strange sense of awe. I might not be able to explain it but I can sure as hell appreciate it. It even has a name- to some it's faith, to me it's hope.

I know a lot of people who cannot move past the initial reactions to their storms and I feel for them. The emotions that go along with storms in nature as well as metaphorical storms in one's life can be crippling. To those people I wish I could give a little piece of that part of me that is comforted by the storms. I really do. I wish they could see what I see and feel what I feel. Peace, serenity, abandon, and adoration. Sliver of sun. Sliver of hope.

When you are a mother of 4 boys...nothing is sacred...not even your fucking knitting!!! 

Bruce is sporting a lovely green circle scarf/semi automatic gun holster with pink trimming. Simply elegant for Spring.

He thinks he's dressed like a Buddhist ninja. I didn't have the heart to tell him he looked like Mama from Mama's Family.

After the jackass dress up extravaganza the 7 year old informed me that "someone" needed to clean up the pee (HIS pee, mind you) that was all over my bathroom floor in a way that was not unlike a grocery story manager coming over the intercom to announce "we need a clean up in aisle 4". My knitting and my bathroom, both confiscated and marked.That was my Sunday evening. You're welcome.

I can't stop listening to this beautiful song. It makes me sob every time I listen to it.

I can't change,

even if I tried

even if I wanted to

my love, my love, my love

she keeps me warm,

she keeps me warm,

she keeps me warm...

By Alexandra Levasseur

For some reason I've always felt like I had to be funny in order to post on here. I say "for some reason" like I don't know....I know exactly what my deal is. But that's for another post (but probably not;). I figure no one reads this anyway so what the fuck. Why not use it any which way I like. That's the point of these things, right? To get out....whatever? To brag about how beautiful your food prep skills are...to whine about how unfair and shitty your life is...to shock people in order to get a rise out of them...to be someone different than the person you are in reality??? Because in reality your food tastes like shit...your life is boring as all hell...and your inner demons keep you from developing a personality that lends itself to being ballsy enough to say what's really on your mind. This is MY blog, right? So, fuck it. I'll say what I want, when I want....yeah, I'm not that brave. I guess I'll say some things that I want to get out but in a semi tactful manner and at the appropriate time. Best I can do. As much as I love to cuss, I'm still Ms. Manners, through and through.

What's on my mind? Hmmm....well, for starters...why does love need to be difficult? If it isn't difficult, then is it even considered love? I've been with people that are very pleasant to be around but there was zero passion. On the other end of the spectrum are the people I've had such intense passion for that it is impossible to be with them without wanting to fucking kill them. Why can't there be both passion AND normalcy? Or maybe there can but I'm just not programed that way. How come I'm not? Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. That's my love conundrum.

Motherhood. It's Mother's Day and I feel like the prom queen that was voted to the throne by default simply because she was the only girl in the entire class. I don't feel like I deserve all this praise and adoration for a job I've fallen down on more times than I can count. My kids are lucky if their teeth get brushed twice a week. I maybe cook a hot mean once a week...the rest of the time it's grilled cheese and hot dogs. I let them stay up way too fucking late...I hide under the covers from them...I turn up the air purifier to drown out the coughing at night...I let them watch crap on tv that's sure to drop their IQ...I don't do friend birthday parties...cookie cake and take out is about all I can muster. I don't deserve the pedestal. Take it the fuck away. It just reminds me of what a horrible Momma I am. That's my Mother's Day conundrum.

My weight. I'm doing my best...that's a lie...I'm not at all even trying.

Life. The problem is I still feel adrift. I keep falling in love with people I can't have, not living up to my full Momma potential, and completely sabotaging my ability to get my body healthy. Repeated rut. Over and over. I'm not in a full on depression. The fog hasn't come, thank god. Like the beautiful woman in the painting, my eyes are closed but my head is above the water. I'm still clear headed and in charge. I work hard at being a teacher....that's about the only thing I put all my effort into. If I could take  just a smidge of that effort and spread that smidge evenly amongst the other aspects of my life, then I think everything would be alright. I'm not going to be perfect. I won't find the perfect love. I will never be the perfect Momma. I will ALWAYS love food so I don't think having a perfect body is something I even want. Consistent happiness. That's what I want. To feel content, not perfect. Just content....with a dash of passion.

I think I need to write more and think less. I'm going to try to do that.

Alice- The Part Time Good Choice Maker

   

     I've made an interesting introspective observation about my online activity choices and how they make me feel. Being on Facebook....well....I don't think I have to go into detail here. Pretty much makes me feel like Creepy McCreeperson every single time I loggon. 'Bout sums it up. I almost always experience these weird anxious butterflies when I'm on there. I feel like I'm missing something...or waiting for something....or late for something. Anyone who knows me knows full well that being late for anything is serious business in my world. Freaks me out. Cannot stand the thought of NOT being fuckin' early. Anyway, that's how facebook makes me feel and yet there I am...motherfuckin trolling along. That isn't a new realization, though.

     Now comes the precious new lightbulb. How do I feel when I'm on Pinterest? I hear a lot of people say they feel overwhelmed when they are on there and I can understand that. Pin after pin after pin of visual information. That could be too much for some people. Not me. When I get on Pinterest I immediately get this calming feeling. It covers me like a comfy cozy blanket. Huge fan of the visual stimuli, rightcheer!

     There isn't any jealousy/envy or competitiveness OR anxiousness involved in perusing Pinterest. See somethin' ya like, create a board, pin it.....and then keep on a pinnin'. I don't do it for anyone but myself....a lot like this here blog. My absolute favorite thing to find pins for is my "The House That Alice is Going to Build" board. Now that I've achieved my goal of finding a job (not only "a" job my the job of my dreams) I'm going to keep going until I have everything I've ever wanted. Pinterest allows me to put all those ideas in one beautiful spot-a folder containing lovely pictures of everything I could possibly want in my dream abode!

Yes, I wanna live in a barn. 

     I'm an optimist, not a moron. I know attaining this goal isn't going to be easy or fast. Luckily, on top of being an optimist and non-moron I'm an extreme procrastinator (kind of like an extreme hoarder only with less flies;). That means I can believe I will have my house as much as I want for a really really REALLY long time:D. Just thinking and planning by pinning the hours away makes me content.

     But planning my cabin/barn dream home in the woods isn't the only thing I think about when I'm on Pinterest. Pinterest has saved my teacher ass many times over. I can type in anything and come up with lesson plans and strategies galore! I can do this on google, of course, but Pinterest filters all the fuck ton of crappy lessons out of the bunch. Alls I gets is the good stuff, baby:). Let's see, what else.....food? Fuck yeah! DIY crafty shit? Yepper!!! Ideas for getting my 4 year old to stop whining?.....not as of yet but I'm not giving up hope. Why? Because I'm a motherfucking optimista and I believe in Pinterest! Kinda the way children believe in Santa:D. Actually, it does kinda feel like Christmas morning when I hit refresh and see 500 new pins to sift through:)

     Does this mean I'm going to give up Facebook? Probably not. However, the good news is I feel a nice little balance within the force. When I'm up late eyeballing someone's page and feeling ookier than a motherfucker I am comforted with the fact that I can shoot on over to Pinterest for my sin atonement. Instant balance. My creeper anxiety subsides and I'm once again knee deep in enticing photographs of indoor hammock swings and pithy posters of bored looking kittens proclaiming their hatred for Mondays. BALANCE...and good choices....with a little dab of trouble. That's me;)