Goobers Rule, Bullies Drool!

The other day I took my 10 year old to the doctor for a check up. Now, I have 4 children and getting alone time with each of them is impossible so I have to make the most of situations like this. Gotta "life lesson" it up with every little conversation. So, he started asking me why one of the neighbor kids is such a bully. I replied with a lengthy unsubstantiated analysis of the dysfunctional dynamic going on at his house with what I imagine to be an absent Dad and a Mom that tells him to get the fuck out of the house all day, never wondering or caring where the hell he was (it was a much more tactful and kind synopsis when it came out of my mouth, I promise). This is not a picture of my kid, by the way. If it was it would be life size and proudly displayed in my living room;).

My point was, we should feel bad for him because no one probably told him not to act like a shithead. Well, after today....that little shithead is going to have to find some other ally. My eldest decided recently to overcome his fears and learn to ride a bike. Yes, he is 10 and is just now learning. Fuck off. Anyway, he has been begging me to let him ride to the neighborhood park for weeks. I agreed with the stipulation that I get to follow him in my car (ain't no WAY I'm letting him loose in even the nicest neighborhood....people are monsters....I trust no one).

So, there I was, driving 2 miles an hour behind my adorable gawky ten year old baby boy who was justa wobblin' all over the fucking place. He had his helmet on because he's all safety first and shit....bless his goober heart. So I'm all a gush and taking pictures with my phone when I hear "Oh my God, look at [insert my child's name here] on his bike!" followed by laughter. I look over to see the whole neighborhood posse fucking teasing MY child. My first intensely raging thought was to mow them over with my car but my baby boy paid no attention to them and just kept on a peddling.

Ride like the wind and be proud, my little goober!!!! You are perfect in every way.....but, um...yeah, there's a mailbox and a curb so....yeah, I love you but um.....hello? Being supportive and all but um....CHRIST, TURN THE DAMN BIKE!

Fuck em. Fuck every last one of them. I'm so sick and tired of this bullying shit. I remember what it was like to get bullied. Hell, I was bullied every which way.....slammed into lockers, punched from behind (because my backpack was too big and offensive), told I was a fat cow....God, one kid waited until I was tipping a water bottle in the air and then he held it there and nearly drowned me as he forced me to either chug the water or let it fall all over my face. Jr. High.....good times.

Recently, my 5 year old was accused of being a bully. I started to go all wackadoodle on his ass when his teacher set me straight. He's 5. He can be a little annoying selfish hellion but he isn't a fucking bully. I won't tolerate that bullshit, especially from my own children. My children WILL stand up for themselves, don't get me wrong, but the day I hear they've participated in some cruel prank in the hopes of harming or humiliating another child is the day I sign the papers for some serious military school action.

 Oh!!! Oh yeah, I can see how he could be mistaken for a bully. I think it was the red bowler hat. Very menacing. Makes me pee in my pants a little just looking at him.

This kid says it all.....you fuck with someone long enough and you're gonna end up slammed to the mother fucking ground.