Today was a little better. I didn't have a headache and I didn't feel like death....well, not as much as yesterday, anyway. I ran but I still didn't have enough time so I guess I'm going to have to hawl my ass up earlier. Joy.
Plan: I ate the same thing I did yesterday but I added little tomatoes:). LOVE them lil boogers. I like to take a bite of my veggie burger and then pop one in to complete the bite. I'm way too lazy to actually slice a tomato and stick in on the burger. Snack- popcorn and Dark Cherry Blue Sky (I'm not dead). Tonight I'm going to a friend's for dinner so of course I'm eating before I go. My Great Aunt Leisel would roll over in her grave if she knew I was being that rude but I gotta.
Observations: 92% of what I talk about is food. Today my coworkers and I were talking about everything we love to eat. At first it was crap....Doritos, Symphony bars (yes, I can eat an entire LARGE one in under 20;).....LOL, I've been sitting here trying to think about what else but I can't get the image of the Symphony bar out of my head! I'm not joking. Anyway, at first we talked about the crap but then at some point we were talking about green bell peppers and cucumbers and grapefruits. There will never be a day when I look at crap food and say "HELL no, I don't want that nasty ass food!". That just won't happen. However, I do think I can be satisfied with good food. No promises.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Accountability, Bitch!!!
OK. I'm doing this one super fast before I talk myself out of it. I'm even going to post it on fb.......IDIOT!!! I have GOT to do something to force my fat ass to get into shape because this weight on me is killing me. I'm tired, I can't keep up with the boys, I don't feel sexy and I WANNA FEEL SEXY! So, I'm going to *try* to post everyday. We'll see how that shit goes....probably not when I have the boys (Thursday-Sunday) but who knows....if I'm not eating like I usually do then I might have all sorts of time to do shit.
Day 1: not done yet but who the fuck cares....gotta post this. I WENT RUNNING!!!!! It was so amazing! Yes, it was only for 15 minutes but fuck you, it counts!!! I was a-jigglin' all over the fucking place but I didn't get a cramp and I didn't feel like I was going to die....WIN! I guess once a runner, always a runner.
My plan for today: Basically, no eating shit. Gotta keep it simple. Maybe Kashi for breakfast.....garden burger for lunch....can't think of anything for dinner so we'll see.
I'm excited! And you should be too! Good-bye and FUCK YEAH!
PS....I ain't doin' the before and after picture so fuck off.
Day 1: not done yet but who the fuck cares....gotta post this. I WENT RUNNING!!!!! It was so amazing! Yes, it was only for 15 minutes but fuck you, it counts!!! I was a-jigglin' all over the fucking place but I didn't get a cramp and I didn't feel like I was going to die....WIN! I guess once a runner, always a runner.
My plan for today: Basically, no eating shit. Gotta keep it simple. Maybe Kashi for breakfast.....garden burger for lunch....can't think of anything for dinner so we'll see.
I'm excited! And you should be too! Good-bye and FUCK YEAH!
PS....I ain't doin' the before and after picture so fuck off.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Bad Day, Go Away
What is "normal"? Regular? Good? Whatever it is it's something I keep telling myself I want. Please just let my children be normal. Why can't they just be normal? Well, they aren't. Or at least to everyone who comes into contact with them they aren't. To me, they are boys. They annoy the holy hell out of me but when I look at them I see them as immature little men.
Each of them has gone through the stage. People love to say "oh my kid is just going through a stage" whenever their precious baby acts like a little shit, no matter what age. But there is only one "stage" as far as I'm concerned. All the rest are transitions. The stage I'm referring to lasts from age 3-6 and it kills me every time. I'm on my third round of it and it doesn't get any easier the more times I go through it.
Characteristics: immaturity tantamount to Jack Ass meets PeeWee Herman, constant and spontaneous tantrums, sarcasm, extreme sensitivity (like, "hello, I'm on the rag for 3 straight years" sensitivity) and Diva mentality.
None of these things screams "STAR PUPIL". So when I got pulled aside by the art camp lady today it was no surprise to me. "You really should have informed us of his sensory integration issues before he came to the class" she says. Oops, my bad. Ordinarily I would have been all "I am SO sorry! You're right. I should have told you all about how incredibly fucked in the head my child is"....seriously, I've been through this shit so many times. I know the drill. Today, however...it's not a good day.
I didn't take it well and I felt ambushed. My first thought was "I super awesome love it that the teacher lady had to have her boss talk to me instead of having the balls to talk to me herself". I was mildly cordial, apologized, walked to my car and broke down. Honestly the boss lady was very nice. She wasn't upset or rude. She just caught me on one of those days. I felt like the little girl who cowers in the corner every time someone asks her name. But seriously! This shit gets old. Hearing how horrible your child is over and over and fucking over is cumbersome and frustrating as hell.
The fact is people don't like my kids. Family members don't like them. Strangers can't stand them. Teachers barely tolerate them. I can't make people like them and I can't change them. I wouldn't really want to, when I REALLY think about it. I do want them to be "normal" but I still don't know that that means. Yes, when you put them in a room of all girls in an art class they will look like the jack ass freaks. But when you put them up against other boys of their age you find them to be quite...normal.
So, should I have warned them about his issues before he came to the class??? Probably. But there's still that little flicker of hope inside me that this time, this is going to be the instance where he goes into that classroom and comes out of that stage. Hey, it's happened with the two older ones. It's only a matter of time before it happens with him. Then I'll have three down and one to go.
Each of them has gone through the stage. People love to say "oh my kid is just going through a stage" whenever their precious baby acts like a little shit, no matter what age. But there is only one "stage" as far as I'm concerned. All the rest are transitions. The stage I'm referring to lasts from age 3-6 and it kills me every time. I'm on my third round of it and it doesn't get any easier the more times I go through it.
Characteristics: immaturity tantamount to Jack Ass meets PeeWee Herman, constant and spontaneous tantrums, sarcasm, extreme sensitivity (like, "hello, I'm on the rag for 3 straight years" sensitivity) and Diva mentality.
None of these things screams "STAR PUPIL". So when I got pulled aside by the art camp lady today it was no surprise to me. "You really should have informed us of his sensory integration issues before he came to the class" she says. Oops, my bad. Ordinarily I would have been all "I am SO sorry! You're right. I should have told you all about how incredibly fucked in the head my child is"....seriously, I've been through this shit so many times. I know the drill. Today, however...it's not a good day.
I didn't take it well and I felt ambushed. My first thought was "I super awesome love it that the teacher lady had to have her boss talk to me instead of having the balls to talk to me herself". I was mildly cordial, apologized, walked to my car and broke down. Honestly the boss lady was very nice. She wasn't upset or rude. She just caught me on one of those days. I felt like the little girl who cowers in the corner every time someone asks her name. But seriously! This shit gets old. Hearing how horrible your child is over and over and fucking over is cumbersome and frustrating as hell.
The fact is people don't like my kids. Family members don't like them. Strangers can't stand them. Teachers barely tolerate them. I can't make people like them and I can't change them. I wouldn't really want to, when I REALLY think about it. I do want them to be "normal" but I still don't know that that means. Yes, when you put them in a room of all girls in an art class they will look like the jack ass freaks. But when you put them up against other boys of their age you find them to be quite...normal.
So, should I have warned them about his issues before he came to the class??? Probably. But there's still that little flicker of hope inside me that this time, this is going to be the instance where he goes into that classroom and comes out of that stage. Hey, it's happened with the two older ones. It's only a matter of time before it happens with him. Then I'll have three down and one to go.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Goobers Rule, Bullies Drool!
My point was, we should feel bad for him because no one probably told him not to act like a shithead. Well, after today....that little shithead is going to have to find some other ally. My eldest decided recently to overcome his fears and learn to ride a bike. Yes, he is 10 and is just now learning. Fuck off. Anyway, he has been begging me to let him ride to the neighborhood park for weeks. I agreed with the stipulation that I get to follow him in my car (ain't no WAY I'm letting him loose in even the nicest neighborhood....people are monsters....I trust no one).
So, there I was, driving 2 miles an hour behind my adorable gawky ten year old baby boy who was justa wobblin' all over the fucking place. He had his helmet on because he's all safety first and shit....bless his goober heart. So I'm all a gush and taking pictures with my phone when I hear "Oh my God, look at [insert my child's name here] on his bike!" followed by laughter. I look over to see the whole neighborhood posse fucking teasing MY child. My first intensely raging thought was to mow them over with my car but my baby boy paid no attention to them and just kept on a peddling.
Ride like the wind and be proud, my little goober!!!! You are perfect in every way.....but, um...yeah, there's a mailbox and a curb so....yeah, I love you but um.....hello? Being supportive and all but um....CHRIST, TURN THE DAMN BIKE!
Fuck em. Fuck every last one of them. I'm so sick and tired of this bullying shit. I remember what it was like to get bullied. Hell, I was bullied every which way.....slammed into lockers, punched from behind (because my backpack was too big and offensive), told I was a fat cow....God, one kid waited until I was tipping a water bottle in the air and then he held it there and nearly drowned me as he forced me to either chug the water or let it fall all over my face. Jr. High.....good times.
Recently, my 5 year old was accused of being a bully. I started to go all wackadoodle on his ass when his teacher set me straight. He's 5. He can be a little annoying selfish hellion but he isn't a fucking bully. I won't tolerate that bullshit, especially from my own children. My children WILL stand up for themselves, don't get me wrong, but the day I hear they've participated in some cruel prank in the hopes of harming or humiliating another child is the day I sign the papers for some serious military school action.
Oh!!! Oh yeah, I can see how he could be mistaken for a bully. I think it was the red bowler hat. Very menacing. Makes me pee in my pants a little just looking at him.
This kid says it all.....you fuck with someone long enough and you're gonna end up slammed to the mother fucking ground.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Vag Movie Review
I am divorced. I was married. I am currently not...married. How did I get to this status? One word- "ruin". Okay, I'm all thinky thinky at the moment because I just forced myself to watch Eat Pray Love. Now, I am not a huge Julia Roberts fan by any means. I think the woman is gorgeous but I feel like she acts the same in every movie. So when this movie came out I decided I wanted to see it but...meh...later. What I really wanted to do was read the god damn book first but let's be realistic on that ever happening.
"How....DID I get to this status?" asked once more by you but mostly by me. Well, I guess to be as vague as I possibly can be, you could say that both my ex and I played "tag you're it" with our marriage. "It" meaning "you are now the one that gets to push the other one away. When it was my turn to be "it"...well, I guess I've always been an overachiever in the fucking up category. What resulted from this little sad game was ruin.
The line I felt deepest in the movie was "ruin is the road to transformation". I have to point out that I am not a smarty. I am not particularly philosophical or political or idealogical...fuck, honestly I can't say I could even define any of those 'cals. I function on a "need to know/half assed/ keep it simple stupid/ good enough now let's go eat pizza" basis. But that little sentence "ruin is the road to transformation" literally made me breath. I heard it and I breathed.
This is not to say that I am going to be packing my shit up and high tailing it to Bali or India...well, Rome would be nice....but no, not even Rome. I want to be right here, physically. Emotionally I'd love to be anywhere but where I am. I'm not a basket case so don't go giving me any self help shit. I'm ok. I just need....well, I dunno what I just need. I've been saying "I just need" my whole life. "I just need someone to love me. I just need a baby. I just need more Reese's". I think I JUST need to stop saying "I just need" and get the fuck on with it.
"Ruins are the remains of human-made architecture: structures that were once complete, as time went by, have fallen into a state of partial or complete disrepair, due to lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction." Interesting definition. The end is particularly cutting. "Lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction". Yeah, that sounds about right.
So, now I am rebuilding. Some people think I have lost my fucking mind. SOME people think I am going through some sort of mid thirties crisis. Some people...need to love and support me and trust that even though I might not be a smarty I still am the one walking around in my own skin and I do know a little bit more about what it means to be me than they do.
And that, my dear wonderful beautiful friends, is what I took from Eat Pray Love. That and I really liked Julia's hair! I totally think my hair could look like that if I tried;D
Love you guys.
"How....DID I get to this status?" asked once more by you but mostly by me. Well, I guess to be as vague as I possibly can be, you could say that both my ex and I played "tag you're it" with our marriage. "It" meaning "you are now the one that gets to push the other one away. When it was my turn to be "it"...well, I guess I've always been an overachiever in the fucking up category. What resulted from this little sad game was ruin.
The line I felt deepest in the movie was "ruin is the road to transformation". I have to point out that I am not a smarty. I am not particularly philosophical or political or idealogical...fuck, honestly I can't say I could even define any of those 'cals. I function on a "need to know/half assed/ keep it simple stupid/ good enough now let's go eat pizza" basis. But that little sentence "ruin is the road to transformation" literally made me breath. I heard it and I breathed.
This is not to say that I am going to be packing my shit up and high tailing it to Bali or India...well, Rome would be nice....but no, not even Rome. I want to be right here, physically. Emotionally I'd love to be anywhere but where I am. I'm not a basket case so don't go giving me any self help shit. I'm ok. I just need....well, I dunno what I just need. I've been saying "I just need" my whole life. "I just need someone to love me. I just need a baby. I just need more Reese's". I think I JUST need to stop saying "I just need" and get the fuck on with it.
"Ruins are the remains of human-made architecture: structures that were once complete, as time went by, have fallen into a state of partial or complete disrepair, due to lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction." Interesting definition. The end is particularly cutting. "Lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction". Yeah, that sounds about right.
So, now I am rebuilding. Some people think I have lost my fucking mind. SOME people think I am going through some sort of mid thirties crisis. Some people...need to love and support me and trust that even though I might not be a smarty I still am the one walking around in my own skin and I do know a little bit more about what it means to be me than they do.
And that, my dear wonderful beautiful friends, is what I took from Eat Pray Love. That and I really liked Julia's hair! I totally think my hair could look like that if I tried;D
Love you guys.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Snowpocalypse Log
Day 0 (night before the Snowpocalypse)
Kids are in bed......depressed beyond words....gonna get shit faced, sob and pass out. I think this plan will work out for me just fine since tomorrow is a snow day and I will only have to take care of my 4 children. I'm sure they will let me sleep until noon or at least until I'm not hungover. Kids love to sleep in on snow days, right???
Day 1
5:23 Baby Lucas wakes. Fuck......My.....Life.....
3 cups of coffee and 12 pieces of bacon later and miraculously I'm feeling completely fine. Everyone's getting along. The beautiful giant snowflakes are falling now. Not sure what Universe I'm in but I've decided to buy a time share here.
Snow bowl is full. Time to make the snow ice cream and try like hell not to hurl as I serve it.
Day 2
Gonna venture out today. No excuses even though my children treat snow like it's hot lava. Mandatory: snowman, snow angels, snowball fight, hot chocolate. Lemme see you smile, motherfuckers.
Day 3
We've made snow ice cream 3 times, made a snowman, beat the shit out of the snowman until it looked like a moose (that's normal, right?), watched probably round abouts of 54,836 hours of cartoon network and a whopping 1/2 hour of Food Network (my kids are so generous) and eaten $150 worth of crap. I'm all out of ideas.
Oh, did I also mention that I've been repeatedly ordered to produce absurdly impossible origami figures....with printer paper? Have you ever tried to do an origami dragon with printer paper? It's kind of like trying to file your fingernails with a fucking feather (i.e. not possible). I'm sticking to doing origami people.
I was awakened today by baby Lucas sitting on my head and Tarzan screaming while Darley insisted I watch him "pretend to poop out a crayon". I just wanted to sleep until 6:30. Hopes and dreams dashed once more I heaved my chunky butt out of bed and into the kitchen to prepare the offerings of the day.
Darley informed me that he required more hot cocoa just as I noticed it started snowing again, thus further postponing any hope of an escape from this house of sausages (props to Becki). I had to excuse myself for a moment to process the situation. The following is a recreation of my emotional journey in pictures. I won't lie. It isn't attractive. I am no longer attractive. I am now made entirely of grossness...OK, I might be like 38% Reese's and 62% grossness....
PS So I stole this awesome quote from my friend and decided to use it on my kids when I was done with them ordering me around...."Ask not what your Mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your Mother" (props to Laura) to which James responded "I know what I can do! I can POOP on your cell phone!". Hmmm....not really what I had in mind:/
Kids are in bed......depressed beyond words....gonna get shit faced, sob and pass out. I think this plan will work out for me just fine since tomorrow is a snow day and I will only have to take care of my 4 children. I'm sure they will let me sleep until noon or at least until I'm not hungover. Kids love to sleep in on snow days, right???
Day 1
5:23 Baby Lucas wakes. Fuck......My.....Life.....
3 cups of coffee and 12 pieces of bacon later and miraculously I'm feeling completely fine. Everyone's getting along. The beautiful giant snowflakes are falling now. Not sure what Universe I'm in but I've decided to buy a time share here.
Snow bowl is full. Time to make the snow ice cream and try like hell not to hurl as I serve it.
Ew
Day 2
Gonna venture out today. No excuses even though my children treat snow like it's hot lava. Mandatory: snowman, snow angels, snowball fight, hot chocolate. Lemme see you smile, motherfuckers.
Oh!!! Look at these pitiful children!!! They don't have school and their wicked shitty Mother is forcing them to go PLAY in the snow! That BITCH!
Day 3
We've made snow ice cream 3 times, made a snowman, beat the shit out of the snowman until it looked like a moose (that's normal, right?), watched probably round abouts of 54,836 hours of cartoon network and a whopping 1/2 hour of Food Network (my kids are so generous) and eaten $150 worth of crap. I'm all out of ideas.
Oh, did I also mention that I've been repeatedly ordered to produce absurdly impossible origami figures....with printer paper? Have you ever tried to do an origami dragon with printer paper? It's kind of like trying to file your fingernails with a fucking feather (i.e. not possible). I'm sticking to doing origami people.
This is my man. He's doing the robot. That's an injured llama behind him that's awaiting surgery. He got shanked on Day 2 for smarting off to one of the Ugly Dolls (the dominant gang in the Wimer hood...you really don't wanna fuck with them).
Day 4I was awakened today by baby Lucas sitting on my head and Tarzan screaming while Darley insisted I watch him "pretend to poop out a crayon". I just wanted to sleep until 6:30. Hopes and dreams dashed once more I heaved my chunky butt out of bed and into the kitchen to prepare the offerings of the day.
Darley informed me that he required more hot cocoa just as I noticed it started snowing again, thus further postponing any hope of an escape from this house of sausages (props to Becki). I had to excuse myself for a moment to process the situation. The following is a recreation of my emotional journey in pictures. I won't lie. It isn't attractive. I am no longer attractive. I am now made entirely of grossness...OK, I might be like 38% Reese's and 62% grossness....
despair
"FUCKMYLIFE!!!" (muted, of course)
Acceptance...breathing...
Composure...."it'll be ok...you're ok...we're ok...you can do this..."
"OK! More hot cocoa, you say, dear??? Certainly, pumpkin:D"
PS So I stole this awesome quote from my friend and decided to use it on my kids when I was done with them ordering me around...."Ask not what your Mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your Mother" (props to Laura) to which James responded "I know what I can do! I can POOP on your cell phone!". Hmmm....not really what I had in mind:/
Monday, January 10, 2011
FML, It's A Snow Day!
Snow days. I remember when snow days were....not this. When I was a little Alice my plan of action for a snow day was more like...
Wake up LATE- bundle- play in the snow for 4 hours- unbundle- hot chocolate- Little House on the Prairie- bundle- make snowman until dinner- eat massive amounts of spaghetti with meat sauce- pass the fuck OUT!
God, I miss that- coming inside, my skin stinging from the frozen snow, the mouth watering smell of homemade spaghetti sauce. Most of the time my Papa had a fire going, too. Christ, I WAS Laura Ingalls Wilder:D....and now I'm Ma Kettle:/.
Why do I have to tell them not to throw DVD's at each other? Shouldn't they just know that? I think parents should get an extra day off after snow days. At the very least we should get some free shit. That's a fun thought....what would I ask for??? Hmmm....GOT IT! Pajama Jeans!!! Or maybe donut holes. I dunno. I'd be cool with either one.
Coffee's ready. Peace.
RIP, Old Ass Computer
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