Bad Day, Go Away

What is "normal"? Regular? Good? Whatever it is it's something I keep telling myself I want. Please just let my children be normal. Why can't they just be normal? Well, they aren't. Or at least to everyone who comes into contact with them they aren't. To me, they are boys. They annoy the holy hell out of me but when I look at them I see them as immature little men.

Each of them has gone through the stage. People love to say "oh my kid is just going through a stage" whenever their precious baby acts like a little shit, no matter what age. But there is only one "stage" as far as I'm concerned. All the rest are transitions. The stage I'm referring to lasts from age 3-6 and it kills me every time. I'm on my third round of it and it doesn't get any easier the more times I go through it.

Characteristics: immaturity tantamount to Jack Ass meets PeeWee Herman, constant and spontaneous tantrums, sarcasm, extreme sensitivity (like, "hello, I'm on the rag for 3 straight years" sensitivity) and Diva mentality.

None of these things screams "STAR PUPIL". So when I got pulled aside by the art camp lady today it was no surprise to me. "You really should have informed us of his sensory integration issues before he came to the class" she says. Oops, my bad. Ordinarily I would have been all "I am SO sorry! You're right. I should have told you all about how incredibly fucked in the head my child is"....seriously, I've been through this shit so many times. I know the drill. Today, however...it's not a good day.

I didn't take it well and I felt ambushed. My first thought was "I super awesome love it that the teacher lady had to have her boss talk to me instead of having the balls to talk to me herself". I was mildly cordial, apologized, walked to my car and broke down. Honestly the boss lady was very nice. She wasn't upset or rude. She just caught me on one of those days. I felt like the little girl who cowers in the corner every time someone asks her name. But seriously! This shit gets old. Hearing how horrible your child is over and over and fucking over is cumbersome and frustrating as hell.

The fact is people don't like my kids. Family members don't like them. Strangers can't stand them. Teachers barely tolerate them. I can't make people like them and I can't change them. I wouldn't really want to, when I REALLY think about it. I do want them to be "normal" but I still don't know that that means. Yes, when you put them in a room of all girls in an art class they will look like the jack ass freaks. But when you put them up against other boys of their age you find them to be quite...normal.

So, should I have warned them about his issues before he came to the class??? Probably. But there's still that little flicker of hope inside me that this time, this is going to be the instance where he goes into that classroom and comes out of that stage. Hey, it's happened with the two older ones. It's only a matter of time before it happens with him. Then I'll have three down and one to go.

Goobers Rule, Bullies Drool!

The other day I took my 10 year old to the doctor for a check up. Now, I have 4 children and getting alone time with each of them is impossible so I have to make the most of situations like this. Gotta "life lesson" it up with every little conversation. So, he started asking me why one of the neighbor kids is such a bully. I replied with a lengthy unsubstantiated analysis of the dysfunctional dynamic going on at his house with what I imagine to be an absent Dad and a Mom that tells him to get the fuck out of the house all day, never wondering or caring where the hell he was (it was a much more tactful and kind synopsis when it came out of my mouth, I promise). This is not a picture of my kid, by the way. If it was it would be life size and proudly displayed in my living room;).

My point was, we should feel bad for him because no one probably told him not to act like a shithead. Well, after today....that little shithead is going to have to find some other ally. My eldest decided recently to overcome his fears and learn to ride a bike. Yes, he is 10 and is just now learning. Fuck off. Anyway, he has been begging me to let him ride to the neighborhood park for weeks. I agreed with the stipulation that I get to follow him in my car (ain't no WAY I'm letting him loose in even the nicest neighborhood....people are monsters....I trust no one).

So, there I was, driving 2 miles an hour behind my adorable gawky ten year old baby boy who was justa wobblin' all over the fucking place. He had his helmet on because he's all safety first and shit....bless his goober heart. So I'm all a gush and taking pictures with my phone when I hear "Oh my God, look at [insert my child's name here] on his bike!" followed by laughter. I look over to see the whole neighborhood posse fucking teasing MY child. My first intensely raging thought was to mow them over with my car but my baby boy paid no attention to them and just kept on a peddling.

Ride like the wind and be proud, my little goober!!!! You are perfect in every way.....but, um...yeah, there's a mailbox and a curb so....yeah, I love you but um.....hello? Being supportive and all but um....CHRIST, TURN THE DAMN BIKE!

Fuck em. Fuck every last one of them. I'm so sick and tired of this bullying shit. I remember what it was like to get bullied. Hell, I was bullied every which way.....slammed into lockers, punched from behind (because my backpack was too big and offensive), told I was a fat cow....God, one kid waited until I was tipping a water bottle in the air and then he held it there and nearly drowned me as he forced me to either chug the water or let it fall all over my face. Jr. High.....good times.

Recently, my 5 year old was accused of being a bully. I started to go all wackadoodle on his ass when his teacher set me straight. He's 5. He can be a little annoying selfish hellion but he isn't a fucking bully. I won't tolerate that bullshit, especially from my own children. My children WILL stand up for themselves, don't get me wrong, but the day I hear they've participated in some cruel prank in the hopes of harming or humiliating another child is the day I sign the papers for some serious military school action.

 Oh!!! Oh yeah, I can see how he could be mistaken for a bully. I think it was the red bowler hat. Very menacing. Makes me pee in my pants a little just looking at him.

This kid says it all.....you fuck with someone long enough and you're gonna end up slammed to the mother fucking ground.