These are the exact words that came out of my 6 year old's mouth. I couldn't find his hat this morning and these words are my punishment. Every morning and every evening he recites some variation of these lovely words to me. All I have to do to inspire these words is to exist. Do I correct him? Fuck yeah. Do I spank him? HELL yes. Do I put him in a quiet area so he can calm himself down? You betcha. I've done it all. I have employed every strategy under the sun. Nothing helps.
I feel like I live with a verbally abusive spouse. It's a little different, however, because I have unconditional love for him. And I know he's sick. I KNOW the chemicals in his brain aren't quite right. I know this because when he's on his ADHD meds he is a completely different kid. Focused, loving, peaceful....my child. The child that grew from the adoring baby in the picture is my son. The child that says the above words to me is not my child. I know that. Those words that he says to me do not define him but it still cuts me when he says them. I'm worn down and I'm just about ready to break.
Get up at 5:30 every morning. Stand in the scalding hot shower to work out the giant knots in my back and neck. Get 4 children ready for school. Take them all to school (2 different schools). Go to work. Pick them up. Take them to therapy. Take them home. Make dinner. Give baths. Put them to bed. Work on lessons until 10:30. Pass out. I....am....worn.
I'm getting him a psychiatrist. I don't want my son to hurt me or anyone else. I am worn but not yet broken. I have the other 3 boys giving me bear hugs and kisses and loving words and appreciation and patience. Worn... but not broken.
Just....keep....swimming.
