Parenting Policy #287- You Wake Em, You Take Em

My relationship with sleep has morphed a couple of times throughout my life. As an adult I can't get enough of it. All I think about its curling up with my big white blanky and passing out. But when I was little I never wanted to sleep. My parents always talk about how they'd put me down for a nap and find me up and about doing God knows what while everyone else was going about their business. I have two theories as to why this occurred.

(This is my first born sleeping the day away. He's almost 11 now. Just kills me.)

1. I was scared shitless to close my eyes. My childhood home was (and still is) terrifying. It's dark, cold, in the middle of nowhere and creepola sounds abound round the clock. I remember sleeping with the lights on and the covers completely encompassing my head (so Dracula couldn't get at my neck, of course). I dreaded night.
2. MY PARENTS ARE LOUD AS HELL! My Father has always been hard of hearing so his tv only has one volume- as high as it will go. My Mother always managed to put the dishes away at naptime or at bedtime. Clanking dishes and silverware aren't soothing, I don't care who you are.

Fast forward to now- I have yet to find a job and seeing as no one wants to give me a house and pay all my utilities my children and I are currently living with my parents. I love my parents and I am BEYOND grateful to them for taking us in with open arms. Now that I'm an adult I actually appreciate their creepy old house. I adore the fact that it isn't all new and granite counter topped out. That's not my style. Old is good;). Having said all that this really isn't a super happy time for me. I like being independent. It felt unbelievably good to have a place of my own, pay all the bills myself, leave shit everywhere if I wanted, on a whim bake a pie and NOT clean up for a day...

One of the biggest drawbacks of moving home??? Noise during naptime. I really don't see or hear my parents much. They stay in their rooms for the most part. But for some crazy reason when it's time for my 3 year old to take a nap it's a fucking Mardi Gras up in here. My Dad is shuffling back and forth and my Mom is talking on the phone loud as all get out or cooking with really large metal pots. The worst part is, I CAN'T SAY A DAMN THING! I know they would quiet down if I said something but this is THEIR house. I'm not about to tell someone what they can and can't do in their own home.

As I type this the 3 year old is in bed and all is quiet, thank GOD. I need my children to sleep. I mean.....I.NEED.MY.CHILDREN.TO.SLEEEEEEEEP. There's no messing around with sleep when it comes to kids. I will stop breathing if it means my child will sleep longer. I will stand in a corner and not fucking move for 3 hours if it brings me 3 hours of quiet. I love to sleep more than I love chocolate but I will gladly give up my sleep to my children because when they don't get their sleep....well, that's just not something I want to think about. Not now, anyway. Not when I'm getting MY quiet time. White blanky time!

The Boys Are Back In Town!

To recap on the juice fast......

I lasted half a day and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Chewing is good. Never ever underestimate chewing.

Moving on....I'm still going strong on the weight watchers. It's coming off slowly but that's actually a good thing, I guess. Nevermind the fact that I'm impatient as all hell. The fact of the matter is the fucking bridesmaid dress fits so who the hell cares if my legs are tree trunks?!? I feel healthier and I still have boobs and that's all that matters.

Once more, moving on.....so to say that this past summer (and I can say "past" because even though it still feels like we live on the motherhumping sun, school is now in session;) was torture for me is putting it mildly. Depression and self-deprecation aside, I was without my boys for most of the summer and it about killed me. Save the "holy shit, I wish I had YOUR problems" jokes, please. No, you don't wish you were me so fuck off. Yes, having a weekend to myself to catch up with friends and clean and prep for the coming week is pretty awesome. Having weeks on end to oneself, completely alone and lacking any and all offspring love and affection BLOWS! I found myself craving the insanity from which I so often wished I could hide. Wish granted, idiot. Alone with my own thoughts.....no thanks.

Thank GOD the summer is over and my boys are back in town! I will never understand why I'm so much more productive when I have WAY too much going on but that's exactly how I work. I can think more clearly when they aren't constantly up my ass but I get more done when they are. I'm an enigma:).

So, since the lights of my life have returned home there are a couple of newly acquired gems of parental wisdom I would like to bestow upon you:
 1. If ever you have a friend who offers you a dead in the water computer, take it. Give it to your kids to take apart. HOURS of entertainment and the pieces can be turned into just about anything.

2. If you don't already have one, by a set of magnetized screw drivers. My life is 100% easier now and I can't tell you how cathartic it is to unscrew shit, especially old hard drives with 5 billion tiny screws. Seriously.

3. Every single time your 3 year old (or really any of your children) says "Momma, come sit and cuddle wif me on da couch".....fucking do it! I don't care if you are right in the middle of blogging or putting an end to world hunger. For Christ's sake, drop everything and go love on your child. Even if he is bugging the ever loving shit out of you. You'll be sorry if you miss that chance, trust me.

 Yes, it's blurry. It offends you? Buy me a camera or quit bitchin'.

4.  Never buy Sharpies. Man, those things are the definition of bittersweet. Crap! (See opening photo)

5.  On a diet and can't get rid of the urge to do a face plant in a cake every time your children are driving you bat shit crazy? Might I suggest SOBE Lifewater to take the edge off? Got a lil addiction going on....THANKS A LOT, SARA! Good GOD, it's so good and there's virtually nothing in it. Voodoo water, it is. Yummy freakazoid Voodoo water!

Juice Me

So, I lost 14 pounds and then my body decided it was done. A plateau is normal for every diet but dammit, I'm impatient!!! I decided to do the Mean Green Cleanse. I think they need to change the name, though. I wouldn't call it "mean"......it's mildly intimidating at best. I borrowed a juicer from my lovely hippy friend, bought 30 dollars worth of fruits and veggies, strapped on my Reese's Tshirt for solidarity to my first love (junk food) and got to juicing.





First thoughts:
1. $30 buys you about enough for one 20 oz drink.
2. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE! There's so much that gets discarded. All that cucumber that could have gone onto a beautiful tomato and cucumber sandwich with LOTS of mayo.......yuuuuuuuuum.
3. The first taste is some what nice, with apples and lemon. Aftertaste is a bitch. That's when you get hit by the celery and kale. I wouldn't necessarily say it's inedible....just not in any way yummy. Maybe after a couple of days of no food it will taste more like a chocolate shake. Doubt it.

I don't hate it but it's going to take some getting used to, that's for damn sure. I'm willing to try it because the temptation to say "fuck it" and eat my face off is killing me. My boys are off to the beach with their Father and his parents. Not getting to be with them is depressing enough. Adding to that major bummer is the fact that I still remain without a job. I know everything is going to work out but in the meantime the crap food is calling me. Trying this juicing thing is occupying my mind and sticky junk food fingers. We'll see;)

I Miss Bacon!!!

I hope my children appreciate how excruciating it is to not only make them muffins and BACON but to watch them devour it leaving crumbs everywhere. If it were me eating that shit there would be nothing left. What a fucking waste:/

 I love the face full of muffin "I just tracked muffin crumbs all over 

the kitchen so what are you gonna do about it" look on his face.

 Seriously???? THERE'S A BOWL OF PURE 

LOVE IN FRONT OF YOU! I don't get skinny people.

The only thing better than eating bacon is eating bacon on the 

couch....or maybe eating bacon on the couch while wearing a blazer. Fancy.

Damn You, Cookie Cake!!!

So, I decided not to post everyday. That was rather unrealistic of me. There was a cookie cake incident but other than that I've been a very good girl. So far I've lost 10 pounds. Everyday is still a struggle, though. When the boys are at their Father's it's easier to control the urge to eat 10 candy bars in my car but when they are in my care.....it's not pretty. Food has been my happy place all my life. Motherhood upped the need for the happy place by about 1000%. When one of the boys is tantrumming it's about impossible to stop myself from blacking out and waking up in a sea of candy wrappers.

I've made it this far by keeping a strict routine. I eat at certain times and only those times. What cracks me up is when I'm with other people and they treat me like I'm starving myself. My Father actually told me today that "starving yourself isn't going to work". Why does it make people so uncomfortable when other people are not stuffing their faces? I bought a sandwich and I wasn't going to eat it until 12:30 when I got home. That's when I eat lunch. It's hard enough to "diet" but when people are constantly telling me I'm doing it wrong it's damn near impossible. I'm not snacking. Plain and simple. Where I come from it's rude not to eat when others are eating but they are just going to have to deal with it.

I broke down and bought a scale:/. BOO! I had to. My weight isn't what concerns me, it's my size. Having said that I need some sort of incentive to keep going and when I see that number going down it's some pretty fucking good motivation. I need motivation. The stressors keep on a comin' and there's no money in the budget for happy pills, unfortunately:/

Day- I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE WHO IS EATING CHOCOLATE IN FRONT OF ME

Day 1 (do over.....bad crap food weekend): This morning my eyes popped open at 6:18 and I realized I didn't set my alarm for 6:10 the night before. "Oh well, I can go back to sleep and run after work" I says to myself.....then I says to myself, I says "GET YOUR FAT ASS UP, HO!". I'm not a morning person;). I did a run walk today because I wasn't feeling the running thing and to be honest my thighs felt more worked today than they did last week when I was running....odd. I did the Kashi crap for breakfast...blahlblahblah....I swear, if I had any money (and seriously, I don't even have a cent to spare) I'd run to the store and find things to vary this shit up because it's getting OLD! Anyway, I had a veggie burger for lunch (something that never gets old!!!) with cherry tomatoes and real cherries for dessert.

Kill Me Moment: So I'm off work this week and I'm going to a workshop everyday from 8-MFing 3:30. Thank God the teacher lady is obnoxiously high energy so I can focus on making fun of her and not on how insanely famished I am. So I'm fading fast, right, and the day is almost over so I'm trying to keep it together but all I want to do is crawl under the table, cover myself with sticky notes and melt into non-existence. All of a sudden the freaking teacher plops down a ziploc bag of fucking 12 different kinds of CHOCOLATE! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit???? Really? Apparently I didn't mask my astonishment for what had just been basically laid in my lap because other people chuckled at my reaction. I was dead serious with that reaction, too. Of all people she had to put that in front of ME??? Shitfucker! I deserve something expensive and pretty for abstaining from that candy AND for not punching her in the boob! Damn.

Day [mumbles incoherent numbers]

Well.....yeah. Yesterday began great! I ran, I had a plan, I stuck to the plan....and then the party ate my plan up and spit it at me with the force equal to that of a certain 2 year old throwing his sippy cup at the flat screen tv when he's pumped up from a particularly enthralling episode of Tom and Jerry. Some PEOPLE at the party kept filling my drinky cup and when Alice drinks Alice no longer cares which foods she is allowed to eat. I ate it all...and I'm still eating it all. BUT never fear because tomorrow is a new day! In fact I'm going to go out on a limb here and proclaim that the diet time out is now over. I'm a lil sick to my tummy :X. Sometimes ya gotta do that, though. I'm not too rattled. Running makes me deliriously happy and I have every confidence that I will be up at 7 tomorrow morning ready to feel the burn, baby!

Nap time.

Day 4 &5 1/2

Ooops! I forgot to be accountable yesterday. My bad. Yesterday went fine. I ran a mile and ate like a normal person (that's what I consider dieting;). I'm turning into Jared. Subway everyday, baby!

Day 5: This morning I ran a mile and then walked/ran another mile. I plan to clean my ass off today so the food situation will prolly look something like : breakfast-Kashi, Snack-banana, Lunch- soup (ew....hopefully not but I'm not sure what I have), Snack-popcorn and Diet Cherry Creme Blue Sky (it's growing on me....sort of ), Dinner-Lean Cuisine Egg Roll.

Observations: So since I didn't have work today I decided to go running later than than I normally do. VACATION! Usually there isn't anyone out when I'm running but today there was one other runner, a woman with a baby jogger. She had long brown hair and about my height. We passed each other three times because apparently we were on the same loop going the opposite direction. Each time I passed her I thought "Damn, she looks familiar". I finally realized that she reminded me of me after I had my first born. He hated to be indoors so I think I lost 50 pounds in 6 months just jogging him all over town. I loved every second of it. At first he was in the front pack (which hard core built up my back muscles;) but once he got huge he had to go in the baby jogger. I'm glad I had that time with him....since he is now 10 and pretty much thinks I'm the biggest dumb ass that every walked the Earth:/.

Boobs Rule

Day 2 1/2: So last night I had a chicken enchilada. I just can't resist a good slow cooked meat, especially chicken. I'm like that freaky girl on Girl Interrupted that had a thing for chicken. I don't keep it under my bed or anything....well, to be fair I don't *have* an "under my bed" since it's on the floor but I would like to think I'm not that insane:). Again, no promises.

Day 3: Due to the aforementioned chicken incident I decided to go ahead and run as far as my little chubby legs could take me. Today that happened to be 9/10 of a mile. MFing YAY ME!!! Almost a mile, son! AND I went to a BBQ place to meet friends and I did not eat a damn thing. I did have a diet coke with my Subway. The shame:/.

Observation: Today was the second time this month someone has assumed I'm with child while wearing a certain dress. I know I should break up with it but dammit, my boobs look too good in it and it's comfortable as hell! It stays. Apparently I need to send a memo to all the ladies in Fayetteville explaining suspected pregnancy etiquette. Christ! Not cool.

Past my bedtime!!! The boob cakes have little to do with this post but does it matter?

Day 2: [whispers] I See Chocolate People

Today was a little better. I didn't have a headache and I didn't feel like death....well, not as much as yesterday, anyway. I ran but I still didn't have enough time so I guess I'm going to have to hawl my ass up earlier. Joy.

Plan: I ate the same thing I did yesterday but I added little tomatoes:). LOVE them lil boogers. I like to take a bite of my veggie burger and then pop one in to complete the bite. I'm way too lazy to actually slice a tomato and stick in on the burger. Snack- popcorn and Dark Cherry Blue Sky (I'm not dead). Tonight I'm going to a friend's for dinner so of course I'm eating before I go. My Great Aunt Leisel would roll over in her grave if she knew I was being that rude but I gotta.

Observations: 92% of what I talk about is food. Today my coworkers and I were talking about everything we love to eat. At first it was crap....Doritos, Symphony bars (yes, I can eat an entire LARGE one in under 20;).....LOL, I've been sitting here trying to think about what else but I can't get the image of the Symphony bar out of my head! I'm not joking. Anyway, at first we talked about the crap but then at some point we were talking about green bell peppers and cucumbers and grapefruits. There will never be a day when I look at crap food and say "HELL no, I don't want that nasty ass food!". That just won't happen. However, I do think I can be satisfied with good food. No promises.

Accountability, Bitch!!!

OK. I'm doing this one super fast before I talk myself out of it. I'm even going to post it on fb.......IDIOT!!! I have GOT to do something to force my fat ass to get into shape because this weight on me is killing me. I'm tired, I can't keep up with the boys, I don't feel sexy and I WANNA FEEL SEXY! So, I'm going to *try* to post everyday. We'll see how that shit goes....probably not when I have the boys (Thursday-Sunday) but who knows....if I'm not eating like I usually do then I might have all sorts of time to do shit.

Day 1: not done yet but who the fuck cares....gotta post this. I WENT RUNNING!!!!! It was so amazing! Yes, it was only for 15 minutes but fuck you, it counts!!! I was a-jigglin' all over the fucking place but I didn't get a cramp and I didn't feel like I was going to die....WIN! I guess once a runner, always a runner.

My plan for today: Basically, no eating shit. Gotta keep it simple. Maybe Kashi for breakfast.....garden burger for lunch....can't think of anything for dinner so we'll see.

I'm excited! And you should be too! Good-bye and FUCK YEAH!

PS....I ain't doin' the before and after picture so fuck off.

Bad Day, Go Away

What is "normal"? Regular? Good? Whatever it is it's something I keep telling myself I want. Please just let my children be normal. Why can't they just be normal? Well, they aren't. Or at least to everyone who comes into contact with them they aren't. To me, they are boys. They annoy the holy hell out of me but when I look at them I see them as immature little men.

Each of them has gone through the stage. People love to say "oh my kid is just going through a stage" whenever their precious baby acts like a little shit, no matter what age. But there is only one "stage" as far as I'm concerned. All the rest are transitions. The stage I'm referring to lasts from age 3-6 and it kills me every time. I'm on my third round of it and it doesn't get any easier the more times I go through it.

Characteristics: immaturity tantamount to Jack Ass meets PeeWee Herman, constant and spontaneous tantrums, sarcasm, extreme sensitivity (like, "hello, I'm on the rag for 3 straight years" sensitivity) and Diva mentality.

None of these things screams "STAR PUPIL". So when I got pulled aside by the art camp lady today it was no surprise to me. "You really should have informed us of his sensory integration issues before he came to the class" she says. Oops, my bad. Ordinarily I would have been all "I am SO sorry! You're right. I should have told you all about how incredibly fucked in the head my child is"....seriously, I've been through this shit so many times. I know the drill. Today, however...it's not a good day.

I didn't take it well and I felt ambushed. My first thought was "I super awesome love it that the teacher lady had to have her boss talk to me instead of having the balls to talk to me herself". I was mildly cordial, apologized, walked to my car and broke down. Honestly the boss lady was very nice. She wasn't upset or rude. She just caught me on one of those days. I felt like the little girl who cowers in the corner every time someone asks her name. But seriously! This shit gets old. Hearing how horrible your child is over and over and fucking over is cumbersome and frustrating as hell.

The fact is people don't like my kids. Family members don't like them. Strangers can't stand them. Teachers barely tolerate them. I can't make people like them and I can't change them. I wouldn't really want to, when I REALLY think about it. I do want them to be "normal" but I still don't know that that means. Yes, when you put them in a room of all girls in an art class they will look like the jack ass freaks. But when you put them up against other boys of their age you find them to be quite...normal.

So, should I have warned them about his issues before he came to the class??? Probably. But there's still that little flicker of hope inside me that this time, this is going to be the instance where he goes into that classroom and comes out of that stage. Hey, it's happened with the two older ones. It's only a matter of time before it happens with him. Then I'll have three down and one to go.

Goobers Rule, Bullies Drool!

The other day I took my 10 year old to the doctor for a check up. Now, I have 4 children and getting alone time with each of them is impossible so I have to make the most of situations like this. Gotta "life lesson" it up with every little conversation. So, he started asking me why one of the neighbor kids is such a bully. I replied with a lengthy unsubstantiated analysis of the dysfunctional dynamic going on at his house with what I imagine to be an absent Dad and a Mom that tells him to get the fuck out of the house all day, never wondering or caring where the hell he was (it was a much more tactful and kind synopsis when it came out of my mouth, I promise). This is not a picture of my kid, by the way. If it was it would be life size and proudly displayed in my living room;).

My point was, we should feel bad for him because no one probably told him not to act like a shithead. Well, after today....that little shithead is going to have to find some other ally. My eldest decided recently to overcome his fears and learn to ride a bike. Yes, he is 10 and is just now learning. Fuck off. Anyway, he has been begging me to let him ride to the neighborhood park for weeks. I agreed with the stipulation that I get to follow him in my car (ain't no WAY I'm letting him loose in even the nicest neighborhood....people are monsters....I trust no one).

So, there I was, driving 2 miles an hour behind my adorable gawky ten year old baby boy who was justa wobblin' all over the fucking place. He had his helmet on because he's all safety first and shit....bless his goober heart. So I'm all a gush and taking pictures with my phone when I hear "Oh my God, look at [insert my child's name here] on his bike!" followed by laughter. I look over to see the whole neighborhood posse fucking teasing MY child. My first intensely raging thought was to mow them over with my car but my baby boy paid no attention to them and just kept on a peddling.

Ride like the wind and be proud, my little goober!!!! You are perfect in every way.....but, um...yeah, there's a mailbox and a curb so....yeah, I love you but um.....hello? Being supportive and all but um....CHRIST, TURN THE DAMN BIKE!

Fuck em. Fuck every last one of them. I'm so sick and tired of this bullying shit. I remember what it was like to get bullied. Hell, I was bullied every which way.....slammed into lockers, punched from behind (because my backpack was too big and offensive), told I was a fat cow....God, one kid waited until I was tipping a water bottle in the air and then he held it there and nearly drowned me as he forced me to either chug the water or let it fall all over my face. Jr. High.....good times.

Recently, my 5 year old was accused of being a bully. I started to go all wackadoodle on his ass when his teacher set me straight. He's 5. He can be a little annoying selfish hellion but he isn't a fucking bully. I won't tolerate that bullshit, especially from my own children. My children WILL stand up for themselves, don't get me wrong, but the day I hear they've participated in some cruel prank in the hopes of harming or humiliating another child is the day I sign the papers for some serious military school action.

 Oh!!! Oh yeah, I can see how he could be mistaken for a bully. I think it was the red bowler hat. Very menacing. Makes me pee in my pants a little just looking at him.

This kid says it all.....you fuck with someone long enough and you're gonna end up slammed to the mother fucking ground.

Vag Movie Review

I am divorced. I was married. I am currently not...married. How did I get to this status? One word- "ruin". Okay, I'm all thinky thinky at the moment because I just forced myself to watch Eat Pray Love. Now, I am not a huge Julia Roberts fan by any means. I think the woman is gorgeous but I feel like she acts the same in every movie. So when this movie came out I decided I wanted to see it but...meh...later. What I really wanted to do was read the god damn book first but let's be realistic on that ever happening.

"How....DID I get to this status?" asked once more by you but mostly by me. Well, I guess to be as vague as I possibly can be, you could say that both my ex and I played "tag you're it" with our marriage. "It" meaning "you are now the one that gets to push the other one away. When it was my turn to be "it"...well, I guess I've always been an overachiever in the fucking up category. What resulted from this little sad game was ruin.

The line I felt deepest in the movie was "ruin is the road to transformation". I have to point out that I am not a smarty. I am not particularly philosophical or political or idealogical...fuck, honestly I can't say I could even define any of those 'cals. I function on a "need to know/half assed/ keep it simple stupid/ good enough now let's go eat pizza" basis. But that little sentence "ruin is the road to transformation" literally made me breath. I heard it and I breathed.

This is not to say that I am going to be packing my shit up and high tailing it to Bali or India...well, Rome would be nice....but no, not even Rome. I want to be right here, physically. Emotionally I'd love to be anywhere but where I am. I'm not a basket case so don't go giving me any self help shit. I'm ok. I just need....well, I dunno what I just need. I've been saying "I just need" my whole life. "I just need someone to love me. I just need a baby. I just need more Reese's". I think I JUST need to stop saying "I just need" and get the fuck on with it.

"Ruins are the remains of human-made architecture: structures that were once complete, as time went by, have fallen into a state of partial or complete disrepair, due to lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction." Interesting definition. The end is particularly cutting. "Lack of maintenance or deliberate acts of destruction". Yeah, that sounds about right.

So, now I am rebuilding. Some people think I have lost my fucking mind. SOME people think I am going through some sort of mid thirties crisis. Some people...need to love and support me and trust that even though I might not be a smarty I still am the one walking around in my own skin and I do know a little bit more about what it means to be me than they do.

And that, my dear wonderful beautiful friends, is what I took from Eat Pray Love. That and I really liked Julia's hair! I totally think my hair could look like that if I tried;D

Love you guys.

Snowpocalypse Log

Day 0 (night before the Snowpocalypse)
Kids are in bed......depressed beyond words....gonna get shit faced, sob and pass out. I think this plan will work out for me just fine since tomorrow is a snow day and I will only have to take care of my 4 children. I'm sure they will let me sleep until noon or at least until I'm not hungover. Kids love to sleep in on snow days, right???



Day 1
5:23 Baby Lucas wakes. Fuck......My.....Life.....

3 cups of coffee and 12 pieces of bacon later and miraculously I'm feeling completely fine. Everyone's getting along. The beautiful giant snowflakes are falling now. Not sure what Universe I'm in but I've decided to buy a time share here.

Snow bowl is full. Time to make the snow ice cream and try like hell not to hurl as I serve it.

Ew

Day 2
Gonna venture out today. No excuses even though my children treat snow like it's hot lava. Mandatory: snowman, snow angels, snowball fight, hot chocolate. Lemme see you smile, motherfuckers.

Oh!!! Look at these pitiful children!!! They don't have school and their wicked shitty Mother is forcing them to go PLAY in the snow! That BITCH! 

 

Day 3
We've made snow ice cream 3 times, made a snowman, beat the shit out of the snowman until it looked like a moose (that's normal, right?), watched probably round abouts of 54,836 hours of cartoon network and  a whopping 1/2 hour of Food Network (my kids are so generous) and eaten $150 worth of crap. I'm all out of ideas.

Oh, did I also mention that I've been repeatedly ordered to produce absurdly impossible origami figures....with printer paper? Have you ever tried to do an origami dragon with printer paper? It's kind of like trying to file your fingernails with a fucking feather (i.e. not possible). I'm sticking to doing origami people.

This is my man. He's doing the robot. That's an injured llama behind him that's awaiting surgery. He got shanked on Day 2 for smarting off to one of the Ugly Dolls (the dominant gang in the Wimer hood...you really don't wanna fuck with them).
  

Day 4
I was awakened today by baby Lucas sitting on my head and Tarzan screaming while Darley insisted I watch him "pretend to poop out a crayon". I just wanted to sleep until 6:30. Hopes and dreams dashed once more I heaved my chunky butt out of bed and into the kitchen to prepare the offerings of the day.

Darley informed me that he required more hot cocoa just as I noticed it started snowing again, thus further postponing any hope of an escape from this house of sausages (props to Becki). I had to excuse myself for a moment to process the situation. The following is a recreation of my emotional journey in pictures. I won't lie. It isn't attractive. I am no longer attractive. I am now made entirely of grossness...OK, I might be like 38% Reese's and 62% grossness....

 

despair 

 

"FUCKMYLIFE!!!" (muted, of course) 

 

Acceptance...breathing... 

 

Composure...."it'll be ok...you're ok...we're ok...you can do this..."

 

"OK! More hot cocoa, you say, dear??? Certainly, pumpkin:D" 

PS So I stole this awesome quote from my friend and decided to use it on my kids when I was done with them ordering me around...."Ask not what your Mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your Mother" (props to Laura) to which James responded "I know what I can do! I can POOP on your cell phone!". Hmmm....not really what I had in mind:/

FML, It's A Snow Day!

Don't call your brother a jerk...take your shoes off, they have snow on them...stop spinning the lamp shade...yes, I'll make you hot chocolate just please stop asking me...WHO POOPED?...could the tv be any louder?...stop throwing Cheetos...your brother is not a stupid baby...GET OFF THE COFFEE TABLE...I can appreciate your use of gross motor skills to break open the old dead laptop but could you please not throw it across the room?...don't call your brother a girl, he can watch Power Puff Girls if he wants...please don't do a running jump onto me when I'm changing a poopy diaper...no Fairly Odd Parents...no kicking...NO BANSHEE SCREAMING!!!.... NO KNIVES!!!!!!!!!!!.......WOULD EVERYONE JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!!!

Snow days. I remember when snow days were....not this. When I was a little Alice my plan of action for a snow day was more like...

Wake up LATE- bundle- play in the snow for 4 hours- unbundle- hot chocolate- Little House on the Prairie- bundle- make snowman until dinner- eat massive amounts of spaghetti with meat sauce- pass the fuck OUT!

God, I miss that- coming inside, my skin stinging from the frozen snow, the mouth watering smell of homemade spaghetti sauce. Most of the time my Papa had a fire going, too. Christ, I WAS Laura Ingalls Wilder:D....and now I'm Ma Kettle:/. 

Why do I have to tell them not to throw DVD's at each other? Shouldn't they just know that? I think parents should get an extra day off after snow days. At the very least we should get some free shit. That's a fun thought....what would I ask for??? Hmmm....GOT IT! Pajama Jeans!!! Or maybe donut holes. I dunno. I'd be cool with either one.

Coffee's ready. Peace.  

RIP, Old Ass Computer