Kids are in bed......depressed beyond words....gonna get shit faced, sob and pass out. I think this plan will work out for me just fine since tomorrow is a snow day and I will only have to take care of my 4 children. I'm sure they will let me sleep until noon or at least until I'm not hungover. Kids love to sleep in on snow days, right???
Day 1
5:23 Baby Lucas wakes. Fuck......My.....Life.....
3 cups of coffee and 12 pieces of bacon later and miraculously I'm feeling completely fine. Everyone's getting along. The beautiful giant snowflakes are falling now. Not sure what Universe I'm in but I've decided to buy a time share here.
Snow bowl is full. Time to make the snow ice cream and try like hell not to hurl as I serve it.
Ew
Day 2
Gonna venture out today. No excuses even though my children treat snow like it's hot lava. Mandatory: snowman, snow angels, snowball fight, hot chocolate. Lemme see you smile, motherfuckers.
Oh!!! Look at these pitiful children!!! They don't have school and their wicked shitty Mother is forcing them to go PLAY in the snow! That BITCH!
Day 3
We've made snow ice cream 3 times, made a snowman, beat the shit out of the snowman until it looked like a moose (that's normal, right?), watched probably round abouts of 54,836 hours of cartoon network and a whopping 1/2 hour of Food Network (my kids are so generous) and eaten $150 worth of crap. I'm all out of ideas.
Oh, did I also mention that I've been repeatedly ordered to produce absurdly impossible origami figures....with printer paper? Have you ever tried to do an origami dragon with printer paper? It's kind of like trying to file your fingernails with a fucking feather (i.e. not possible). I'm sticking to doing origami people.
This is my man. He's doing the robot. That's an injured llama behind him that's awaiting surgery. He got shanked on Day 2 for smarting off to one of the Ugly Dolls (the dominant gang in the Wimer hood...you really don't wanna fuck with them).
Day 4I was awakened today by baby Lucas sitting on my head and Tarzan screaming while Darley insisted I watch him "pretend to poop out a crayon". I just wanted to sleep until 6:30. Hopes and dreams dashed once more I heaved my chunky butt out of bed and into the kitchen to prepare the offerings of the day.
Darley informed me that he required more hot cocoa just as I noticed it started snowing again, thus further postponing any hope of an escape from this house of sausages (props to Becki). I had to excuse myself for a moment to process the situation. The following is a recreation of my emotional journey in pictures. I won't lie. It isn't attractive. I am no longer attractive. I am now made entirely of grossness...OK, I might be like 38% Reese's and 62% grossness....
despair
"FUCKMYLIFE!!!" (muted, of course)
Acceptance...breathing...
Composure...."it'll be ok...you're ok...we're ok...you can do this..."
"OK! More hot cocoa, you say, dear??? Certainly, pumpkin:D"
PS So I stole this awesome quote from my friend and decided to use it on my kids when I was done with them ordering me around...."Ask not what your Mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your Mother" (props to Laura) to which James responded "I know what I can do! I can POOP on your cell phone!". Hmmm....not really what I had in mind:/
Fret not, Alice Brody. I’m sure that the forecast will predict unseasonably warm temperatures and lots of sunshine.
ReplyDeleteIn another month or so.
I know who you are and I know where you live so back talkin' like that isn't wise, sir.
ReplyDeleteThat look of composure was so totally belieavable. You could sell lessons on that. I'd buy some. Instead, I just yell with my grizzly bear voice that hurts my throat.
ReplyDeleteI use that grizzly voice a lot too but it's a waste since they always seem to be louder than me. I need a bull horn or something.
ReplyDelete