Momma Alice Economics

Smug little fucker, isn't he?

You people have no idea the lengths I go to in order to please my boys. They are boys, after all, which makes them inherently incapable of being completely satisfied. See what I did there? Little man hater jab;). Sorry. As my ex says "gotta laugh to keep from crying". Love that one. Makes me feel like shit every time I hear it and yet I still appreciate the pithiness.

Back to the boys. My boys go to an all year round school which means they are out of school three extra weeks out of the year. On those weeks us working people have to shell out 60 bucks a kid for special classes they offer. In truth I think it's pretty dang cool. They get extra art, music, science...all that good shit. Anyway, one of the classes I signed the 6 and 8 year old up for is a movie class. I know, after all that big art talk a movie class doesn't sound super impressive but they watch good stuff so shut up. Since it's a lounging activity they are allowed to bring blankets and pillows. It isn't mandatory. It isn't necessary. It is not a need. It is a want. (yes, I am a freak about my SUPER greedy boys knowing the difference between needs and wants). Mistake #1- Thanks afuckinglot, school, for the blanket and pillow suggestion.

SO, being the good Mommy that I am I ran through the rain back inside the house to gather a blanket and a pillow for the 6 year old (totally forgetting the 8 year old=Mistake #2). I found one small blanket and a pillow pet. Mistake #3-Exactly how is a pillow pet going to fit in your 6 year old's itty bitty SpongeBob backpack, genius? Anticipate the tantrum, Alice. ANTICIPATE THE SHITSTORM! Lady, this is your first and foremost job as the 6 year old's Mother. What do you think is going to happen when he can't fit it into the backpack? Seriously, disappointed in you. You deserve what's coming. All I'm sayin'.

Thinking the 6 year old is going to love and adore me for bringing him his pillow pet I raced back to the car...through the rain. I threw him the pillow and blanket leaving him responsible for packing up his gear (Mistake #4....man, I just keep getting smarter and smarter). I ran through the rain (I like mentioning that over and over.....BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING RAINING) to the driver side. By the time I got to my seat the screaming had already ensued.

At this point we're late which isn't a super huge deal because it isn't "real school" but at the same time.....I want them the fuck out of my car because they are driving me bat shit crazy. So I backed up even though I knew the 6 year old was reaching a boiling point. Realizing this shit was not going to go away and I needed to nut up and handle the situation I parked again and ran to the other side of the car to help him....in the rain.

I have to admit I have a spacial impairment (can't parallel park to save my life) but even I could see this shit wasn't going to fit. It was at this point that the 8 year old mumbled "It's ok. I don't need a blanket or pillow. I can just put my coat over me even though it's covered in my snot". So then I had the brilliant idea to let the 8 year old have the blanket and the 6 year old have the pillow pet. It's a win win. The 8 year old gets something cuddly and the 6 year old can fit the damn pillow in the damn Sponge. Plus the 6 year old would SO go for sharing because he loves his big brother and he would never want him to be without a cuddly, right? Right? FUCKING RIGHT????? Yep, Mistake #5.

Needless to say, that suggestion didn't go over well. The only option I saw was for him to simply carry the pillow pet. Nope. "Everyone will see and think I'm a baby!!!!!". Oh, holy HELL! During this entire exchange he is flipping his shit. The harder I tried to help him the more he screamed and kicked. Add to that the 3 year old yelling "stop being mean to him!!!!" as I was trying to HELP him. And so I did the only thing I thought I could do. There was no other way. Mr. Frog Pillow Pet needed to be free. Not a "want" but a definite "need". And so I freed him by throwing him out of the car and into the rain. Done and done. Inappropriate and emotionally damaging? Sure. Absolutely necessary to focus my rage on the inanimate object instead of my child? Yeah, I kinda think so.

Everything that happened after that is fuzzy. I recall part of a lunch being thrown all around the car and possibly some hissing.....maybe some speaking in tongues. Whatever it was I do remember thinking it was highly unpleasant. #1 Mission For Today- find two small pillows and two small blankets. #2 Mission- eat a fuck ton of chocolate. I'm well on my way to completing the second mission so I'm gonna go ahead and call this a productive day. Pitty pat on the back.

Happy Hump Day! Hump a pillow pet in my honor;)